Jake’s Fecal Adventure

Jake finished his dinner.

„Thanks honey, that chicken was great.” He said.

„But honey… that wasn’t chicken…” His wife claimed.

„Huh?”

„We’ve been having a lot of money problems lately.”

„I know, so?”

„We can’t afford a chicken, hon.”

„What did I eat then?”

„I cooked a road-killed skunk that I found on the way to the church.”

Jake gulped. He slowly got up from the chair and said in a shaky voice:

„So you mean that I ate a skunk?? That was killed by some truck on the road?”

„Yeah, but it’s fresh! It must have been killed no longer than three days ago.”

Jake tried to smile, but he couldn’t take this anymore.

„GOTTA GO FAST!!” he shouted and ran to the toilet, trampling through his wife, who fell on the floor and died.

Jake pulled down his pants and quickly sat on the toilet, just when the shit started leaking out.

„LEAVE MY BODY, SATAN!” he screamed, as the thick, brown shit leaked from his asshole down into the toilet.

Suddenly, he farted so hard that the toilet cracked. He had to hold onto it with his hands, otherwise he would go flying to the space.

When he thought it was over, he felt sudden qukes, coming out of his ass. He grabbed the toilet again and it was time for round two.

He shat so much that the shit would soon flood his house, so he pressed down the button to keep the water flowing. But because of this, he was only holding the toilet with his one hand, so when another nuclear fart came, it almost tore off his arm.

After ten hours of constant shit-flow and farting, Jake’s ass was as loose as a chewed up gummy bear. The stink was unbearable and locals said that someone in the village shat so much that their toilets exploded with a shitty geyser, and they wanted to kill that someone.

Jake escaped the village before anyone found out about his shitting, and travelled to Africa to find the ancient treasure of King Arthur. After twenty-five years of excavations, he found it. But it turned out to be a shit fossil that Jesus took when he was on his trip to the Democratic Republic of Kongo. He threw it away and hung himself.

Then some random black guy found it and ate it and became a GOD. He turned everyone in the world black, and made it so that everyone is immortal. After just five months, there were 800 billion people in the world, and they were all black. Umm, I don’t know why I’m even writing this.

THE END

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Black Guy Tyrone Eats A Thick, Brown Substance That Came Out Of His Big, Black Hole.

Tyrone went to the kitchen and checked if there’s anything delicious in the fridge.

“Hmm, there are two eggs, one slice of cheese, a bottle of ketchup and some avian feces leftovers from yesterday’s dinner.” He noticed and checked on the freezer, “Nothing inside here…”

He got really hungry and had to eat FAST. Otherwise he could DIE. He didn’t want to be like all those mainstream black boys, dying from starvation everyday somewhere in Africa (wherever it was), so he decided that he’s gonna eat anything he’ll find in his house.

However, when he tried to swallow his TV he almost broke his jaw.

“Shit, I gotta eat something softer and smaller than that…” he said to himself, “Wait…. ‘shit’… I know!”

He pulled down his pants, crouched down and a literal black hole appeared in front of him. He reached into it and grabbed some chocolate ice cream.

“Thank you black hole, you never disappoint me.” He said.

“No problem dawg.” The black hole replied, “You know I’m always there for you, my nigga.”

And then the hole disappeared. Tyrone got up and pulled up his pants, and then he ate the ice cream.

THE END

Didn’t expect that, huh?

Delicious, But Suspicious Food From Burger King

Forgive me for being absent for so long, but I have an excuse: I was too lazy ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) The blog is absolutely not abandoned, I just became so lazy that I can barely do anything.

Chris was walking around the mall. He got hungry and went to Burger King. The cashier welcomed him.

“Good morning sir, may I take your order?” she asked.

“Well, I would go for that burger for 5 american dollars.”

“Do you want an extra cheese?”

“How much is that?”

“50 cents.”

“No, thank you.”

“What about extra bacon?”

“How much is that?”

“Also 50 cents.”

“Nah, thank you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“But are you CERTAINLY sure?”

“Yes, I said I am.”

“I don’t think you understand, sir.”

“What is there to understand?”

“If you don’t take any extras, it might end badly for you.”

“Are you threatening me?”

“I’m just sayin.”

“Will you give me that burger already?”

“… yeah.”

The cashier lady went to the place where people at the kitchen drop burgers and stuff and it slides down, ready to take. She grabbed something terrible and gave it to Chris.”

“Here. Bon apetit.” she said.

“Wait a second, what is this?”

“This is what you’ve ordered, sir: a big, stinky SHIT.”

“Scuse me?”

“You heard me.”

“I didn’t order that!”

“Oops, should’ve taken an extra.”

“I can barely stop myelf from punching you in the fucking face.”

“Calm down, or else I’ll call the security.”

“But I won’t leave until I get what I paid for!”

“And what if I tell you, that if you don’t get the fuck out of here IMMEDIATELY, I will have to destroy you, sir?”

“Come on!”

Then the cashier used magic of destruction to destroy Chris, but he dodged it and instead of him, half of the shopping mall got destroyed. Seeing that, Chris summoned John Cena to help him. He charged at the cashier, and though she did hear his mighty roar, she couldn’t see him, because nobody can see John Cena. He slammed her against the ground, causing an earthquake, that had the force of 500 Richters (or something like that, idfk). The earthquake resulted in an ANIHILATION of the entire human species, all animals, all plants, all mushrooms, and if there’s anything else besides that then that also got destroyed, I’m sorry but I suck at biology.

Then it turned out that Chris survived, using his teleportation magic. He teleported himself to the world of Pokemon, where he spent most of his life enslaving exotic creatures, keeping them inside small ball-prisons, and forcing them to fight each other for his enjoyment and for money.

 

THE END

I shall add that I like Burger King, I just made a silly story. Oh, and by the way, I don’t what to say, I wrote “and by the way…” and I didn’t know what to add after that, so, rip.

 

Bike Ride

“Hey, junior, let’s go on a bike ride.” Dad said to Tyrone.

“Okay dad, just don’t make it like the last time, ok?” Tyrone replied.

“Don’t worry, let’s go.”

After a while, they were outside their house, and they had bikes ready to go.

“Are you sitting comfy, Tyrone?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Just askin’.”

“Dad, I said I don’t want it to be like the other time.”

“It’s alright, don’t worry. You go first.”

Tyrone pushed the pedals, and as he went through the gateway, the gateway turned into a portal to another dimension, and it sucked Tyrone inside, just to shit him out in a world full of gigantic dinosaurs, flying krakens and furry creatures of massive size and posture.

Tyrone got scared and started riding straight forward in amok, avoiding obstacles such as giant brontosaurs and their shits. Suddenly, a herd of T-rexes jumped out of the woods nearby and ate brontosaurs. Then they started chasing Tyrone. Tyrone tried to escape, farting loudly, gradually filling his pants with dense shit.

Just when he thought it was over for him, a meteor fell from the sky, destroying the entire planet, launching Tyrone far away into space. Tyrone spent two months in space, trying to find a way back home, and he finally found a portal. He went through it and teleported back into his living room.

“Oh, Tyrone, what’s up?” his dad said, “Where’s your bike?”

Then Tyrone attacked his dad with a series of fast, consecutive blows with a magic spear, but his dad performed a backflip, dodging Tyrone’s attacks. Tyrone’s dad summoned a portal to hell, and devils started coming out of it, to destroy and eat Tytone. However, Tyrone sucked the devils, the portal, his dad, and the entire district into his asshole. Then, he aimed his ass up to the sky and fired its contents into space.

“Finally, lol.” Tyrone said.

The whole incident was spotted by some retard, who approached Tyrone.

“Excuse me, but don’t you think maybe that you should make up for the damage you have caused here?” he asked.

“Uhh, excuse me, but don’t you think that you’re too retarded to ask me that?”

“Yes, that’s correct.”

And then Tyrone and the retard transformed into asians and travelled to China to eat some dogs.

THE END

I hope you’ve enjoyed it fags ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Easter Bunny

Happy Easter! 

Timmy and his disfunctional family were preparing to go to grandma’s house to celebrate Easter together.

“Timmy you faggot, clean your asshole before we go.” his mom said, “We don’t want it to be like last year, when you farted so hard that we had to wash walls from your shit for entire week.”

“No problem mom!” said Timmy and went to the bathroom to clean his ass.

“Timmy you faggot, grab that bag of sweets we’ve prepared for grandma! It’s in the kitchen.” his dad said.

TImmy went to the kitchen, grabbed the bag and took a closer look at it. Suddenly, a giant, mutated bunny jumped out of the bag. He jumped on Timmy’s dad, completely crushing him, and then, he farted very hard and blew Timmy’s mom and sister off through the window.

“Timmy, I’m the easter bunny.” the bunny said, “I arrived here to warn you about a great danger, threatening your family.”

“Jesus Christ, what is that danger??” Timmy asked.

Your dad will be crushed, and your sister and mom will be blown off the window with a strong fart.”

“But it’s you who’s done it, you retarded rabbit.”

“Oh, yeah ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)”

“Hey, maybe instead of going to my grandma, you can take me somewhere?”

“Gr8 idea, where do you want to go?”

“Let’s go to ISIS base and destroy it, ok?”

“Naturally, but you have to pay the price of 25 american dollars for me to take you there.”

“Ok, here.” Timmy said and took some money out of his pocket, “… Do you have any pockets?”

“Put them into my ass, I can shart them out later.”

“Ok, sounds fantastic.”

Timmy inserted the banknotes into the bunny’s asshole and jumped on it. Then the bunny jumped and landed in the ISIS base. Unfortunately, none of them could have predicted that gravity will kill them both, so Timmy, as well as easter bunny, have died.

Luckily, the bunny fell down with such a huge speed that the impact has destroyed everything around, so ISIS was no more. Unfortunately, by “everything around” I mean everything in a 500 trillion miles radius, so the entire galaxy was destroyed, what a shame.

THE END

Oh, and here’s a picture of a soup we tend to eat for Easter in Poland:

It’s a Polish sour rye soup, often called “white borscht”. We eat it with sausage and hard-boiled eggs.

And you can’t even imagine the shitting that occures five minutes after eating it ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Jk lol it’s gr8.

Review – Trust Starzz (A proof that God exists)

Hello there.

I would like to show you a microphone Trust Starzz.

 

No bullshit: this microphone is the best ass-inserter on the market. That round part goes to your asshole, and you move that stand in different angles (depending on the Moon phase). You’ll have to wiggle-waggle it a bit once it’s inside your anus, in case your ass hairs get stuck inside it. Next, you plug the cable into your PC and open up your sound card settings. There, you enable an option called “Extra charging.” That option charges the cable with electricity, which goes to the round part of the microphone (which is in your asshole btw). While the electricity shocks your ass from the inside, your brain works with double speed, letting you to understand life, universe, as well as achieving transcendence (and if your IQ is 130 or above, you have a chance to achieve omnipotence, as well as impotence). Warning: if the area around your asshole is really hairy, your ass can get set on fire, which, might I add, won’t end well for your health.

And now let’s move on to the ratings:

Appearance: */10 If it matters to you how it looks, you can rate it yourself. However, most od us will not care, since we’ll always have it inside our asses anyway.

Price: 10/10 I think I bought it for like 10 dollars, and that’s nothing comparing to the potential this microphone has.

Functionality: 10/10 It shocks your ass just right, and if we add the possibility to use this ass-inserter as a microphone for Internet calls (and that works great as well), it gives us a wholesome product for you to love.

Comfort: 9/10 I had to remove one point here, because although it does a great job as an ass-inserter, the stand is a bit wide, and it’s often difficult to put it on your desk and still have space for keyboard and mousepad.

OVERALL: 10/10 The best ass-inserting experience money can buy.

A Small, Yet Very Crappy Adventure Of George

George went to the school and saw his friend, Norbert.

“Hello Norbert.” George said.

“Hi.” Norbert replied, “Did you bring a dog shit as they told?”

“What?”

“Well, our IT teacher said lately, that we were supposed to bring a dog shit for today’s classes.”

“Lol??! I don’t remember her saying that!”

“Shouldn’t have slept during classes then.”

“What am I gonna do now?”

“I will lend you a plastic box and you will crap inside it. Then you can say it’s a dog shit.”

“Nah man, she’s gonna find out. Dog shits are small.”

“Hmm… I know, shit into the box, cut a small piece of the shit and form it to have a shape of dog shit.”

“Alright, sounds like a plan.”

And then George pulled down his pants and shoot a shit from his ass straight into the box.

“You retard, who told you to do this in the middle of the hall?” Norbert flinched.

“Lol, I haven’t thought about it.”

“Well it’s not the first time you haven’t thought.”

Norbert went upstairs, while George cut a small piece of shit and threw the rest on the floor. Then he caught up with Norbert. A moment later, their group entered the classroom.

“Alright my dears, take out your dog shits.” The teacher said, “Okay, now smear it into the keyboards of your computers.”

“Aaand what if someone brought their laptop and they don’t want to cover it all in crap?” asked Peter.

“Then they have a problem.” The teacher replied.

“And why are we even doing this in the first place?” asked Jason.

“To increase the computer’s performance.” The teacher replied, “And later you can lick off the shit from the keyboards and you won’t have to eat dinner today.”

“Yuck!” Jason flinched, “That’s disgusting!”

“If you have a problem Mr. Jason, I suggest you to get the fuck out of here, before I fill you with lead.”

Then George asked Norbert:

“Hey, what if only a dog’s shit increases performance, and human shit doesn’t?”

“Are you kidding?” Norbert asked, “It’s not possible to increase a computer’s performance by smearing ANY shit into a keyboard. We’re only doing this to get good grades. You can see obviously that the teacher is out of her mind.”

George calmed down a bit and smeared his crap into the keyboard. Then, the computer exploded and damaged everyone in the classroom.

“Dafuq happened?!” the teacher shouted, “George! Did you use human shit?!”

“Umm, yeah, but this would’ve happened with dog shit as well! It’s a short circuit!”

“ARE you STUPID?!” the teacher got up from the floor and wiped the dust off of herself, “Human shit leads to short circuit only! Look!”

The teacher started to do some operations on a computer with its keyboard all covered in dog crap.

“Can you see the lighting speed?! It’s thanks to the dog shit!” said the teacher. Her computer was indeed lighting fast thanks to the shit.

“Your stupid human shit has led to an explosion of a computer! You’re gonna pay for that, you piece of shit!”

And then George took out a giant hot-dog from his pocket and swoop everything around him off the surface of planet Earth.

THE END

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