Jake’s Fecal Adventure

Jake finished his dinner.

„Thanks honey, that chicken was great.” He said.

„But honey… that wasn’t chicken…” His wife claimed.

„Huh?”

„We’ve been having a lot of money problems lately.”

„I know, so?”

„We can’t afford a chicken, hon.”

„What did I eat then?”

„I cooked a road-killed skunk that I found on the way to the church.”

Jake gulped. He slowly got up from the chair and said in a shaky voice:

„So you mean that I ate a skunk?? That was killed by some truck on the road?”

„Yeah, but it’s fresh! It must have been killed no longer than three days ago.”

Jake tried to smile, but he couldn’t take this anymore.

„GOTTA GO FAST!!” he shouted and ran to the toilet, trampling through his wife, who fell on the floor and died.

Jake pulled down his pants and quickly sat on the toilet, just when the shit started leaking out.

„LEAVE MY BODY, SATAN!” he screamed, as the thick, brown shit leaked from his asshole down into the toilet.

Suddenly, he farted so hard that the toilet cracked. He had to hold onto it with his hands, otherwise he would go flying to the space.

When he thought it was over, he felt sudden qukes, coming out of his ass. He grabbed the toilet again and it was time for round two.

He shat so much that the shit would soon flood his house, so he pressed down the button to keep the water flowing. But because of this, he was only holding the toilet with his one hand, so when another nuclear fart came, it almost tore off his arm.

After ten hours of constant shit-flow and farting, Jake’s ass was as loose as a chewed up gummy bear. The stink was unbearable and locals said that someone in the village shat so much that their toilets exploded with a shitty geyser, and they wanted to kill that someone.

Jake escaped the village before anyone found out about his shitting, and travelled to Africa to find the ancient treasure of King Arthur. After twenty-five years of excavations, he found it. But it turned out to be a shit fossil that Jesus took when he was on his trip to the Democratic Republic of Kongo. He threw it away and hung himself.

Then some random black guy found it and ate it and became a GOD. He turned everyone in the world black, and made it so that everyone is immortal. After just five months, there were 800 billion people in the world, and they were all black. Umm, I don’t know why I’m even writing this.

THE END

Black Guy Tyrone Eats A Thick, Brown Substance That Came Out Of His Big, Black Hole.

Tyrone went to the kitchen and checked if there’s anything delicious in the fridge.

“Hmm, there are two eggs, one slice of cheese, a bottle of ketchup and some avian feces leftovers from yesterday’s dinner.” He noticed and checked on the freezer, “Nothing inside here…”

He got really hungry and had to eat FAST. Otherwise he could DIE. He didn’t want to be like all those mainstream black boys, dying from starvation everyday somewhere in Africa (wherever it was), so he decided that he’s gonna eat anything he’ll find in his house.

However, when he tried to swallow his TV he almost broke his jaw.

“Shit, I gotta eat something softer and smaller than that…” he said to himself, “Wait…. ‘shit’… I know!”

He pulled down his pants, crouched down and a literal black hole appeared in front of him. He reached into it and grabbed some chocolate ice cream.

“Thank you black hole, you never disappoint me.” He said.

“No problem dawg.” The black hole replied, “You know I’m always there for you, my nigga.”

And then the hole disappeared. Tyrone got up and pulled up his pants, and then he ate the ice cream.

THE END

Didn’t expect that, huh?

A Small, Yet Very Crappy Adventure Of George

George went to the school and saw his friend, Norbert.

“Hello Norbert.” George said.

“Hi.” Norbert replied, “Did you bring a dog shit as they told?”

“What?”

“Well, our IT teacher said lately, that we were supposed to bring a dog shit for today’s classes.”

“Lol??! I don’t remember her saying that!”

“Shouldn’t have slept during classes then.”

“What am I gonna do now?”

“I will lend you a plastic box and you will crap inside it. Then you can say it’s a dog shit.”

“Nah man, she’s gonna find out. Dog shits are small.”

“Hmm… I know, shit into the box, cut a small piece of the shit and form it to have a shape of dog shit.”

“Alright, sounds like a plan.”

And then George pulled down his pants and shoot a shit from his ass straight into the box.

“You retard, who told you to do this in the middle of the hall?” Norbert flinched.

“Lol, I haven’t thought about it.”

“Well it’s not the first time you haven’t thought.”

Norbert went upstairs, while George cut a small piece of shit and threw the rest on the floor. Then he caught up with Norbert. A moment later, their group entered the classroom.

“Alright my dears, take out your dog shits.” The teacher said, “Okay, now smear it into the keyboards of your computers.”

“Aaand what if someone brought their laptop and they don’t want to cover it all in crap?” asked Peter.

“Then they have a problem.” The teacher replied.

“And why are we even doing this in the first place?” asked Jason.

“To increase the computer’s performance.” The teacher replied, “And later you can lick off the shit from the keyboards and you won’t have to eat dinner today.”

“Yuck!” Jason flinched, “That’s disgusting!”

“If you have a problem Mr. Jason, I suggest you to get the fuck out of here, before I fill you with lead.”

Then George asked Norbert:

“Hey, what if only a dog’s shit increases performance, and human shit doesn’t?”

“Are you kidding?” Norbert asked, “It’s not possible to increase a computer’s performance by smearing ANY shit into a keyboard. We’re only doing this to get good grades. You can see obviously that the teacher is out of her mind.”

George calmed down a bit and smeared his crap into the keyboard. Then, the computer exploded and damaged everyone in the classroom.

“Dafuq happened?!” the teacher shouted, “George! Did you use human shit?!”

“Umm, yeah, but this would’ve happened with dog shit as well! It’s a short circuit!”

“ARE you STUPID?!” the teacher got up from the floor and wiped the dust off of herself, “Human shit leads to short circuit only! Look!”

The teacher started to do some operations on a computer with its keyboard all covered in dog crap.

“Can you see the lighting speed?! It’s thanks to the dog shit!” said the teacher. Her computer was indeed lighting fast thanks to the shit.

“Your stupid human shit has led to an explosion of a computer! You’re gonna pay for that, you piece of shit!”

And then George took out a giant hot-dog from his pocket and swoop everything around him off the surface of planet Earth.

THE END

Topkek

Refreshing Old Shits

If you have taken a shit within last 24 hours, you are obliged to write a constructive comment under this story, with an opinion on this story as well as on the whole blog. I know you have shat, smartasses, but you will keep lurking anyway ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) What’s so hard about writing a comment?
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Patrick log onto his Facebook and scrolled through his friends’ newest posts.

“Hmm, all of my friends are posting videos of popular YouTubers, funny photos of cats and emo-songs, that make me wanna kill myself.” he noticed, “Maybe I should post something as well, so that bitches from my class will finally notice me.

Patrick opened up YouTube and looked at his favorite songs. He found a cool, relaxing song and copied its url adress.

“Who recognizes this song, thumbs up! :D” Patrick wrote in his post and pasted a link to Gorillaz – Amarillo.

After a few minutes he received the first comment.

“Omg! Someone posted a comment! :D” Patrick got excited.

Tell me, why do you post some crap from 2010? :p Don’t be lame Patrick ;d”

“…” Patrick lost his smile.

“It’s a… decent song, but I got soooo sleepy while listening to this 😐 Like, what the hell.”

“XDDDDDD Patrick, you’re such a Patrick! XD Hahaha, topkek :D”

“Gorillaz haven’t released an album for years, why did you remind me of them?”

“Don’t post old crap, Patrick.”

At this moment Patrick got furious, and left his house quickly. He ran through the city and forced his way to Angelina’s house. He knocked her out with a strong hit with a baseball bat, tied her up and ran back to his basement, where he left her. Then he ran out again and captured a couple more people, that were stupid enough to laugh at him.

 

 

The guys Patrick captured woke up after a few hours, when Patrick splashed a bucket of cold piss on them.

“Dafuq is happening?” Damien woke up.

“Where am I? What are you doing here?!” Angelina started panicking.

“Why am I tied up?” Jacob started wriggling.

“I wanna go home!” Peter cried.

“Wait, who’s there in the darkness? Show yourself!” Tiffany shouted.

Then Patrick came out of the darkness.

“Patrick!??” everyone was confused.

Patrick was holding a bag. He opened it and spilled its content out on the floor.

“What is this?!” Damien shouted, “What the hell are you doing, Patrick?”

Patrick sighed and crouched.

“What I spilled here, is what I’ve been gathering for the past few hours. Anyone knows, what it is?” he asked.

Everyone was frightened.

“Is this… dog shit?” Angelina winced.

“Naturally.” Patrick replied, “Not just one, but a whole pile of dog shit. Old, dry dog shits, that I found and gathered just to bring them here and show them to you.”

“W-well, now that we’ve s-seen it, maybe you can l-let us go, h-huh?” Peter mumbled.

“Well no, my dear friend.” Patrick patted his head, “Because I want to see, how you refresh these shits.”

“What??” Jacob asked.

“As I said, you won’t leave this place, until you refresh these shits.”

“Patrick, what the fuck are you talking about, let us free!” Tiffany shouted, but then Patrickk aimed his shotgun at her face.

‘Come on! Refresh these shits!” Patrick screamed and started laughing like a maniac.

Everyone was scared shitless after Patrick aimed his shotgun at them.

“Wait, how are we supposed to refresh that?” Jacob asked.

“Oh, right, silly me.” Patrick said, and opened a second bag. He spilled its content on the floor. “Here you have brown paint, paintbrushes and glitter. You have to paint these shits perfectly. Move!”

“But you tied us up! D: ” Angelina cried.

“So paint with your mouths, now!”

Everyone was too afraid to disobey, so they grabbed paintbrushes with their mouths and dipped them in brown paint. It was difficult, so all of them got dirty, which was very funny to Patrick.

They started painting the shits, and after like 15 minutes the shits were beautifully brown.

“Now spill the glitter on them, come on!”

They started spilling glitter on the shits and soon they were all shiny and glorious.

“Hey, can you tell me why do you refresh old shit?!” Patrick laughed like a madman, “Huh?! Tell me, why are you refreshing old shits!”

“You forced us to do it!!” Jacob yelled.

“Now you see, how it is, when somebody laughs at you, because you refresh old shit!”

“This doesn’t make ANY sense!” TIffany claimed, “Where is the logic in what you’re saying?!

Patrick then realized, that his revenge was in fact pointless, and when he releases them, they’re gonna go to police and they will get Patrick locked up.

Patrick took out a small, metalic stick from his ass. The stick had a lamp near the top.

“Look at this lamp.” Patrick said.

“Patrick, when I get out of here, I will fuck you up, and…” FLASH! Angelina and the others collapsed.

Patrick brought them back to their homes, and then he returned to his home and cleaned up the shits in his basement.

Next day in school everything was like always. Patrick deleted his post with his favorite track, before anyone else saw it, and those who commented on it got their memory erased.

Patrick entered a geography class

“Who’s gonna show me on this map, where lies Democratic Republic of Congo?” the teacher asked.

“MEEE!” Patrick yelled and aimed his ass at the map. He shot a shit from his ass directly where Democratic Republic of Congo was.”

“PATRICK!” the teacher screamed, “Why would you do this?!”

Patrick zipped his pants back and said:

“Because I’m retarded, and the story needed some anticlimatic ending anyway.

THE END

 

 

 

A Weed Story

Jimmy took a shit in the toilet, and then he approached his friends, who were waiting for him outside.

“Hey, Jimmy, we were just talking about yesterday!” Johny said.

“You mean when I farted in classroom and the teacher fainted?”

“Yes! We wanted to celebrate today.” Kevin said.

“Oh, cool! Let’s buy a few bags of chips and some orange juice, and we’re gonna watch Dexter’s Laboratory till the evening!”

“Umm, no.” said Johny, “Instead, let’s blaze this weed that I bought yesterday.”

Jimmy looked at the small packet of weed.

“Is this… marijuana? But… a priest in our church said that whoever blazes weed will go to hell?”

“Hah! What a retard!” Kevin laughed, “Now you’ve made a fool out of yourself! Come on, Johny, let’s beat him up!”

Johny and Kevin activated extermination mode and started shooting homing missiles at Jimmy from their asses. Fortunately, Jimmy was prepared for such situation, and used his magic to summon a giant ball of shit, which crushed Johny and Kevin to death.

Jimmy noticed that Johny has dropped the weed.

“Hmm, maybe I’ll give it a try.”

He rolled the weed with toilet paper and blazed it.

He woke up next day, lying on the street in the city center. There were bloody corpses everywhere, and everything looked like some post-apocalyptic wasteland. There were banana peels scattered everywhere, as well as books on quantum physics covered in shit.

Jimmy woke up and grabbed his head.

“What in the name of Jesus Christ has happened here?”

He looked at the destruction that he caused, while in amok caused by blazing the weed.

Jimmy came to conclusion that weed is indeed Satan’s creation, and went to a church to cleanse his body from sin (and shit) using holy water. Then he teleported to Costa Rica to teach black people about Jesus.

 

 

THE END

If I could become an elf, orc or a dwarf, I would choose an orc, because orcs stink the most (though dwarves stink only a little less).

Kobe Bryant’s pathetic humiliation

Kobe Bryant entered his bathroom and took a shit. He farted a lot, and the shit was coming out very slowly, but at least it didn’t splash toilet water on his anus. When the shit was finally out, he wiped his ass and pulled up his pants and went outside.

He walked a bit around his hood and saw some kids playing football. They noticed him and approached him.

“Sir, are you Kobe Bryant from NBA, the famous black boi that plays basketball, a game that is significantly worse than football?” some kid asked.

“Yup, the same one.” Lucio confirmed.

“Is that true that you have over 300 confirmed won matches and that you’re in fact from Africa, and that you’re secretely a Trump supporter?” some other kid asked.

“Yup, yup, and yup.” Lucio nodded.

“Can you stop yupping and give me an autograph?” the last kid asked and pulled out a piece of paper and a pen out of his pocket.

“Sure, what’s your name?”

“It’s Tyrone… wait, why do your hands stink like shit?”

Kobe sniffed his hands up close and failed to keep a straight face.

“Oh my god, I think I didn’t wash my hands after I took a shit…” he stated.

“Yuck! You stink like shit, Kobe! I don’t want a shitty autograph!”

The kids ran away and Kobe quickly ran home and entered his bathroom.

He applied a lot of liquid soap on his hands and started washing his hands. He rinsed his hands and did it all over again.

“Fuck me, they still smell like shit!” Kobe was close to cutting his fucking hands off, but then he realized…

“I know!” he yelled, “I must wash them one hundred times more and then they will smell fine!”

He washed his hands 100 times more. They indeed didn’t smell like shit anymore, but it took him 4 hours to wash them.

And that’s why kids, you should always wash your hands right after you take a shit, otherwise the shit on your hands will become all dry and very difficult to wash.

Kobe smiled with a relief, and to celebrate his victory over his shitty hands, he took another shit, and another one, and another one, and and another one.

And another one.

THE END

And another one

December Farting Fiesta 2016 final part – Sofia celebrates New Year

Sofia looked at the clock. It was 22:37.

“JESUS CHRIST!” she got scared, “It’s the New Year soon!”

She got up from the chair and put her ass on the toilet and took a shit. Then she went outside.

She took a dynamite out of her ass and light it up with fire. Then she threw it on the road and some car boom exploded.

“HAH FIREWORKS!” she laughed, “Oh damn, I need to take a shit again.”

She had to take a shit but she couldn’t take a shit because it was already midnight and nobody shits now people watch fireworks how they explode and do colors but they don’t shit.

Some kids approached Sofia and asked her.

“Hey you, why is your face so stupid?”

Sofia got mad and casted a magical spell Avada Kedavra on those kids and those kids didn’t belong to the world of the living anymore.

Then Harry Potter came back from the dead and said some shit like:

“Sofia, what is going on here?”

“NOTHING, HAHAHAHAHA!”

Sofia didn’t spare Harry and Harry was killed.

Sofia came back to Ron’s home (which she claimed her own) and filled her room with herself, and there was already a freshly baked raspberry pie waiting for her. She ate the pie and took a shit and went to sleep.

She woke up on January 1st and lived her life.

THE END

I hope you liked my december stories. Happy New Year, everybody!