Jake’s Fecal Adventure

Jake finished his dinner.

„Thanks honey, that chicken was great.” He said.

„But honey… that wasn’t chicken…” His wife claimed.

„Huh?”

„We’ve been having a lot of money problems lately.”

„I know, so?”

„We can’t afford a chicken, hon.”

„What did I eat then?”

„I cooked a road-killed skunk that I found on the way to the church.”

Jake gulped. He slowly got up from the chair and said in a shaky voice:

„So you mean that I ate a skunk?? That was killed by some truck on the road?”

„Yeah, but it’s fresh! It must have been killed no longer than three days ago.”

Jake tried to smile, but he couldn’t take this anymore.

„GOTTA GO FAST!!” he shouted and ran to the toilet, trampling through his wife, who fell on the floor and died.

Jake pulled down his pants and quickly sat on the toilet, just when the shit started leaking out.

„LEAVE MY BODY, SATAN!” he screamed, as the thick, brown shit leaked from his asshole down into the toilet.

Suddenly, he farted so hard that the toilet cracked. He had to hold onto it with his hands, otherwise he would go flying to the space.

When he thought it was over, he felt sudden qukes, coming out of his ass. He grabbed the toilet again and it was time for round two.

He shat so much that the shit would soon flood his house, so he pressed down the button to keep the water flowing. But because of this, he was only holding the toilet with his one hand, so when another nuclear fart came, it almost tore off his arm.

After ten hours of constant shit-flow and farting, Jake’s ass was as loose as a chewed up gummy bear. The stink was unbearable and locals said that someone in the village shat so much that their toilets exploded with a shitty geyser, and they wanted to kill that someone.

Jake escaped the village before anyone found out about his shitting, and travelled to Africa to find the ancient treasure of King Arthur. After twenty-five years of excavations, he found it. But it turned out to be a shit fossil that Jesus took when he was on his trip to the Democratic Republic of Kongo. He threw it away and hung himself.

Then some random black guy found it and ate it and became a GOD. He turned everyone in the world black, and made it so that everyone is immortal. After just five months, there were 800 billion people in the world, and they were all black. Umm, I don’t know why I’m even writing this.

THE END

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Refreshing Old Shits

If you have taken a shit within last 24 hours, you are obliged to write a constructive comment under this story, with an opinion on this story as well as on the whole blog. I know you have shat, smartasses, but you will keep lurking anyway ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) What’s so hard about writing a comment?
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Patrick log onto his Facebook and scrolled through his friends’ newest posts.

“Hmm, all of my friends are posting videos of popular YouTubers, funny photos of cats and emo-songs, that make me wanna kill myself.” he noticed, “Maybe I should post something as well, so that bitches from my class will finally notice me.

Patrick opened up YouTube and looked at his favorite songs. He found a cool, relaxing song and copied its url adress.

“Who recognizes this song, thumbs up! :D” Patrick wrote in his post and pasted a link to Gorillaz – Amarillo.

After a few minutes he received the first comment.

“Omg! Someone posted a comment! :D” Patrick got excited.

Tell me, why do you post some crap from 2010? :p Don’t be lame Patrick ;d”

“…” Patrick lost his smile.

“It’s a… decent song, but I got soooo sleepy while listening to this 😐 Like, what the hell.”

“XDDDDDD Patrick, you’re such a Patrick! XD Hahaha, topkek :D”

“Gorillaz haven’t released an album for years, why did you remind me of them?”

“Don’t post old crap, Patrick.”

At this moment Patrick got furious, and left his house quickly. He ran through the city and forced his way to Angelina’s house. He knocked her out with a strong hit with a baseball bat, tied her up and ran back to his basement, where he left her. Then he ran out again and captured a couple more people, that were stupid enough to laugh at him.

 

 

The guys Patrick captured woke up after a few hours, when Patrick splashed a bucket of cold piss on them.

“Dafuq is happening?” Damien woke up.

“Where am I? What are you doing here?!” Angelina started panicking.

“Why am I tied up?” Jacob started wriggling.

“I wanna go home!” Peter cried.

“Wait, who’s there in the darkness? Show yourself!” Tiffany shouted.

Then Patrick came out of the darkness.

“Patrick!??” everyone was confused.

Patrick was holding a bag. He opened it and spilled its content out on the floor.

“What is this?!” Damien shouted, “What the hell are you doing, Patrick?”

Patrick sighed and crouched.

“What I spilled here, is what I’ve been gathering for the past few hours. Anyone knows, what it is?” he asked.

Everyone was frightened.

“Is this… dog shit?” Angelina winced.

“Naturally.” Patrick replied, “Not just one, but a whole pile of dog shit. Old, dry dog shits, that I found and gathered just to bring them here and show them to you.”

“W-well, now that we’ve s-seen it, maybe you can l-let us go, h-huh?” Peter mumbled.

“Well no, my dear friend.” Patrick patted his head, “Because I want to see, how you refresh these shits.”

“What??” Jacob asked.

“As I said, you won’t leave this place, until you refresh these shits.”

“Patrick, what the fuck are you talking about, let us free!” Tiffany shouted, but then Patrickk aimed his shotgun at her face.

‘Come on! Refresh these shits!” Patrick screamed and started laughing like a maniac.

Everyone was scared shitless after Patrick aimed his shotgun at them.

“Wait, how are we supposed to refresh that?” Jacob asked.

“Oh, right, silly me.” Patrick said, and opened a second bag. He spilled its content on the floor. “Here you have brown paint, paintbrushes and glitter. You have to paint these shits perfectly. Move!”

“But you tied us up! D: ” Angelina cried.

“So paint with your mouths, now!”

Everyone was too afraid to disobey, so they grabbed paintbrushes with their mouths and dipped them in brown paint. It was difficult, so all of them got dirty, which was very funny to Patrick.

They started painting the shits, and after like 15 minutes the shits were beautifully brown.

“Now spill the glitter on them, come on!”

They started spilling glitter on the shits and soon they were all shiny and glorious.

“Hey, can you tell me why do you refresh old shit?!” Patrick laughed like a madman, “Huh?! Tell me, why are you refreshing old shits!”

“You forced us to do it!!” Jacob yelled.

“Now you see, how it is, when somebody laughs at you, because you refresh old shit!”

“This doesn’t make ANY sense!” TIffany claimed, “Where is the logic in what you’re saying?!

Patrick then realized, that his revenge was in fact pointless, and when he releases them, they’re gonna go to police and they will get Patrick locked up.

Patrick took out a small, metalic stick from his ass. The stick had a lamp near the top.

“Look at this lamp.” Patrick said.

“Patrick, when I get out of here, I will fuck you up, and…” FLASH! Angelina and the others collapsed.

Patrick brought them back to their homes, and then he returned to his home and cleaned up the shits in his basement.

Next day in school everything was like always. Patrick deleted his post with his favorite track, before anyone else saw it, and those who commented on it got their memory erased.

Patrick entered a geography class

“Who’s gonna show me on this map, where lies Democratic Republic of Congo?” the teacher asked.

“MEEE!” Patrick yelled and aimed his ass at the map. He shot a shit from his ass directly where Democratic Republic of Congo was.”

“PATRICK!” the teacher screamed, “Why would you do this?!”

Patrick zipped his pants back and said:

“Because I’m retarded, and the story needed some anticlimatic ending anyway.

THE END

 

 

 

Kobe Bryant’s pathetic humiliation

Kobe Bryant entered his bathroom and took a shit. He farted a lot, and the shit was coming out very slowly, but at least it didn’t splash toilet water on his anus. When the shit was finally out, he wiped his ass and pulled up his pants and went outside.

He walked a bit around his hood and saw some kids playing football. They noticed him and approached him.

“Sir, are you Kobe Bryant from NBA, the famous black boi that plays basketball, a game that is significantly worse than football?” some kid asked.

“Yup, the same one.” Lucio confirmed.

“Is that true that you have over 300 confirmed won matches and that you’re in fact from Africa, and that you’re secretely a Trump supporter?” some other kid asked.

“Yup, yup, and yup.” Lucio nodded.

“Can you stop yupping and give me an autograph?” the last kid asked and pulled out a piece of paper and a pen out of his pocket.

“Sure, what’s your name?”

“It’s Tyrone… wait, why do your hands stink like shit?”

Kobe sniffed his hands up close and failed to keep a straight face.

“Oh my god, I think I didn’t wash my hands after I took a shit…” he stated.

“Yuck! You stink like shit, Kobe! I don’t want a shitty autograph!”

The kids ran away and Kobe quickly ran home and entered his bathroom.

He applied a lot of liquid soap on his hands and started washing his hands. He rinsed his hands and did it all over again.

“Fuck me, they still smell like shit!” Kobe was close to cutting his fucking hands off, but then he realized…

“I know!” he yelled, “I must wash them one hundred times more and then they will smell fine!”

He washed his hands 100 times more. They indeed didn’t smell like shit anymore, but it took him 4 hours to wash them.

And that’s why kids, you should always wash your hands right after you take a shit, otherwise the shit on your hands will become all dry and very difficult to wash.

Kobe smiled with a relief, and to celebrate his victory over his shitty hands, he took another shit, and another one, and another one, and and another one.

And another one.

THE END

And another one