Bike Ride

“Hey, junior, let’s go on a bike ride.” Dad said to Tyrone.

“Okay dad, just don’t make it like the last time, ok?” Tyrone replied.

“Don’t worry, let’s go.”

After a while, they were outside their house, and they had bikes ready to go.

“Are you sitting comfy, Tyrone?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Just askin’.”

“Dad, I said I don’t want it to be like the other time.”

“It’s alright, don’t worry. You go first.”

Tyrone pushed the pedals, and as he went through the gateway, the gateway turned into a portal to another dimension, and it sucked Tyrone inside, just to shit him out in a world full of gigantic dinosaurs, flying krakens and furry creatures of massive size and posture.

Tyrone got scared and started riding straight forward in amok, avoiding obstacles such as giant brontosaurs and their shits. Suddenly, a herd of T-rexes jumped out of the woods nearby and ate brontosaurs. Then they started chasing Tyrone. Tyrone tried to escape, farting loudly, gradually filling his pants with dense shit.

Just when he thought it was over for him, a meteor fell from the sky, destroying the entire planet, launching Tyrone far away into space. Tyrone spent two months in space, trying to find a way back home, and he finally found a portal. He went through it and teleported back into his living room.

“Oh, Tyrone, what’s up?” his dad said, “Where’s your bike?”

Then Tyrone attacked his dad with a series of fast, consecutive blows with a magic spear, but his dad performed a backflip, dodging Tyrone’s attacks. Tyrone’s dad summoned a portal to hell, and devils started coming out of it, to destroy and eat Tytone. However, Tyrone sucked the devils, the portal, his dad, and the entire district into his asshole. Then, he aimed his ass up to the sky and fired its contents into space.

“Finally, lol.” Tyrone said.

The whole incident was spotted by some retard, who approached Tyrone.

“Excuse me, but don’t you think maybe that you should make up for the damage you have caused here?” he asked.

“Uhh, excuse me, but don’t you think that you’re too retarded to ask me that?”

“Yes, that’s correct.”

And then Tyrone and the retard transformed into asians and travelled to China to eat some dogs.

THE END

I hope you’ve enjoyed it fags ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Easter Bunny

Happy Easter! 

Timmy and his disfunctional family were preparing to go to grandma’s house to celebrate Easter together.

“Timmy you faggot, clean your asshole before we go.” his mom said, “We don’t want it to be like last year, when you farted so hard that we had to wash walls from your shit for entire week.”

“No problem mom!” said Timmy and went to the bathroom to clean his ass.

“Timmy you faggot, grab that bag of sweets we’ve prepared for grandma! It’s in the kitchen.” his dad said.

TImmy went to the kitchen, grabbed the bag and took a closer look at it. Suddenly, a giant, mutated bunny jumped out of the bag. He jumped on Timmy’s dad, completely crushing him, and then, he farted very hard and blew Timmy’s mom and sister off through the window.

“Timmy, I’m the easter bunny.” the bunny said, “I arrived here to warn you about a great danger, threatening your family.”

“Jesus Christ, what is that danger??” Timmy asked.

Your dad will be crushed, and your sister and mom will be blown off the window with a strong fart.”

“But it’s you who’s done it, you retarded rabbit.”

“Oh, yeah ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)”

“Hey, maybe instead of going to my grandma, you can take me somewhere?”

“Gr8 idea, where do you want to go?”

“Let’s go to ISIS base and destroy it, ok?”

“Naturally, but you have to pay the price of 25 american dollars for me to take you there.”

“Ok, here.” Timmy said and took some money out of his pocket, “… Do you have any pockets?”

“Put them into my ass, I can shart them out later.”

“Ok, sounds fantastic.”

Timmy inserted the banknotes into the bunny’s asshole and jumped on it. Then the bunny jumped and landed in the ISIS base. Unfortunately, none of them could have predicted that gravity will kill them both, so Timmy, as well as easter bunny, have died.

Luckily, the bunny fell down with such a huge speed that the impact has destroyed everything around, so ISIS was no more. Unfortunately, by “everything around” I mean everything in a 500 trillion miles radius, so the entire galaxy was destroyed, what a shame.

THE END

Oh, and here’s a picture of a soup we tend to eat for Easter in Poland:

It’s a Polish sour rye soup, often called “white borscht”. We eat it with sausage and hard-boiled eggs.

And you can’t even imagine the shitting that occures five minutes after eating it ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Jk lol it’s gr8.

Review – Trust Starzz (A proof that God exists)

Hello there.

I would like to show you a microphone Trust Starzz.

 

No bullshit: this microphone is the best ass-inserter on the market. That round part goes to your asshole, and you move that stand in different angles (depending on the Moon phase). You’ll have to wiggle-waggle it a bit once it’s inside your anus, in case your ass hairs get stuck inside it. Next, you plug the cable into your PC and open up your sound card settings. There, you enable an option called “Extra charging.” That option charges the cable with electricity, which goes to the round part of the microphone (which is in your asshole btw). While the electricity shocks your ass from the inside, your brain works with double speed, letting you to understand life, universe, as well as achieving transcendence (and if your IQ is 130 or above, you have a chance to achieve omnipotence, as well as impotence). Warning: if the area around your asshole is really hairy, your ass can get set on fire, which, might I add, won’t end well for your health.

And now let’s move on to the ratings:

Appearance: */10 If it matters to you how it looks, you can rate it yourself. However, most od us will not care, since we’ll always have it inside our asses anyway.

Price: 10/10 I think I bought it for like 10 dollars, and that’s nothing comparing to the potential this microphone has.

Functionality: 10/10 It shocks your ass just right, and if we add the possibility to use this ass-inserter as a microphone for Internet calls (and that works great as well), it gives us a wholesome product for you to love.

Comfort: 9/10 I had to remove one point here, because although it does a great job as an ass-inserter, the stand is a bit wide, and it’s often difficult to put it on your desk and still have space for keyboard and mousepad.

OVERALL: 10/10 The best ass-inserting experience money can buy.

A Small, Yet Very Crappy Adventure Of George

George went to the school and saw his friend, Norbert.

“Hello Norbert.” George said.

“Hi.” Norbert replied, “Did you bring a dog shit as they told?”

“What?”

“Well, our IT teacher said lately, that we were supposed to bring a dog shit for today’s classes.”

“Lol??! I don’t remember her saying that!”

“Shouldn’t have slept during classes then.”

“What am I gonna do now?”

“I will lend you a plastic box and you will crap inside it. Then you can say it’s a dog shit.”

“Nah man, she’s gonna find out. Dog shits are small.”

“Hmm… I know, shit into the box, cut a small piece of the shit and form it to have a shape of dog shit.”

“Alright, sounds like a plan.”

And then George pulled down his pants and shoot a shit from his ass straight into the box.

“You retard, who told you to do this in the middle of the hall?” Norbert flinched.

“Lol, I haven’t thought about it.”

“Well it’s not the first time you haven’t thought.”

Norbert went upstairs, while George cut a small piece of shit and threw the rest on the floor. Then he caught up with Norbert. A moment later, their group entered the classroom.

“Alright my dears, take out your dog shits.” The teacher said, “Okay, now smear it into the keyboards of your computers.”

“Aaand what if someone brought their laptop and they don’t want to cover it all in crap?” asked Peter.

“Then they have a problem.” The teacher replied.

“And why are we even doing this in the first place?” asked Jason.

“To increase the computer’s performance.” The teacher replied, “And later you can lick off the shit from the keyboards and you won’t have to eat dinner today.”

“Yuck!” Jason flinched, “That’s disgusting!”

“If you have a problem Mr. Jason, I suggest you to get the fuck out of here, before I fill you with lead.”

Then George asked Norbert:

“Hey, what if only a dog’s shit increases performance, and human shit doesn’t?”

“Are you kidding?” Norbert asked, “It’s not possible to increase a computer’s performance by smearing ANY shit into a keyboard. We’re only doing this to get good grades. You can see obviously that the teacher is out of her mind.”

George calmed down a bit and smeared his crap into the keyboard. Then, the computer exploded and damaged everyone in the classroom.

“Dafuq happened?!” the teacher shouted, “George! Did you use human shit?!”

“Umm, yeah, but this would’ve happened with dog shit as well! It’s a short circuit!”

“ARE you STUPID?!” the teacher got up from the floor and wiped the dust off of herself, “Human shit leads to short circuit only! Look!”

The teacher started to do some operations on a computer with its keyboard all covered in dog crap.

“Can you see the lighting speed?! It’s thanks to the dog shit!” said the teacher. Her computer was indeed lighting fast thanks to the shit.

“Your stupid human shit has led to an explosion of a computer! You’re gonna pay for that, you piece of shit!”

And then George took out a giant hot-dog from his pocket and swoop everything around him off the surface of planet Earth.

THE END

Topkek

Keyboard case for tablets 7″ by Tracer

First of all, I’d like to say that I love smearing Nutella into my ass.

( ͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °)

But for real, I’ve got a great review of a not-so great accessory for tablets, which I bought a few months ago.

etui tracer

White case with a keyboard from Tracer, which costed me about 5 dollars. And even though it was very cheap and you can write something on it away from home or in bed, the item we’re looking at is SHIT ( ͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °)

The picture may not show it, but my keyboard has like 10 additional buttons, like TWO of the same button (vertical line/left slash), one next to Z button and one above Enter. Also, the Fn button is in the lower left corner, and Control is to its right. CONTROL BUTTON is not on the corner! And why did they add a Sleep button?! and Pause Break!??! Who needs that shit on a tablet! Also, Numlock replaces some of the other buttons with Numpad, so you can’t type and use NumPad buttons at the same time.

 

It’s also worth noting that the buttons are so cheap and fragile, that even the most silent fart can damage the keyboard, let alone a slightly harded push. So, if your hands are heavy, better look for something more sturdy (e.g. a limited edition keyboard made of dry shit, that can be bought in Nigeria).

But wait! There are even more cons to this product ( ͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °).

It has problems with non-english characters, and some apps don’t work with it (Enter doesn’t send the message. Some apps don’t support using your tablet horizontally, making the keyboard hard to use)

But enough about the keyboard. Let’s talk a bit about the case itself. Well, it came dirty ( ͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °) I bought it online, and the piece of paper that the case is wrapped in has a big rectangular hole it it, so you can touch it before buying. Fortunately it wasn’t covered in shit, cuz I’ve heard that some people’s cases came all brown and stinky.

It was also supposed to have a scriber included, but my seemed to vanish somehow ( ͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °) They probably add one to every second case in the magazines, for cutting costs probably ( ͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °)

Let’s cover pros, maybe?

Besides the fact that it works, there are none ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Well, maybe the low price of ~5 dollars is a pro to someone.

You can’t regulate the angle in which you place the case, and the micro USB cable is flying everywhere and placed in such spot, that you might not even be able to plug it into your tablet at all ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).

SCORE:

Appearance: 4/10 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Sturdiness: 3/10 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) So far I haven’t broken it yet, but I’m still scared to put this etui into my backpack.

Functionality: 7/10 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  When it comes to 7 inch tablets, there is not much choice, gotta take what you’ve got ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Comfort: A solid 2/10 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Writing on this thing is absolutely tragical.

Price: 8/10 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) A cheap case for poor people like me ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

OVERALL: 5/10 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I don’t recommend ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) If you just want to write from time to time, and/or you don’t have money (cuz you’ve spend everything on pot), this is a nice thing to have. But if you’re more serious about writing on a tablet, and you’ve got more money, invest in something better.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I’m retarded ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

 

Frank Makes A Terrible Mistake In Contact With Black People

Great story 10/10  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Frank approached some black dudes in Manhattan and asked:

“Excuse me, but are you guys black?”

“Indeed, we are.” Some black guy replied, “Why are you asking, young boy?”

“Because I don’t really like nigs.”

“Oh, what a coincidence, we don’t like whites, too!”

Then the black guys turned into werewolves and bit Frank’s head off.

Later the black guys were caught and prosecuted, but they were released free, because that would be racist if they were considered guilty.

Frank died for nothing, and his carcass was delivered to a nearby butchery and was turned into a delicious sausage, YUM! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

THE END

It was worth waiting for such a cool story, right? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

December Farting Fiesta 2016 part 2 – Very Festive Candies

Sorry for posting late, it was supposed to be posted on Dec 6th, but I was too lazy to translate it (I write in Polish first), so forgive me. Also, feel free to write a comment. I can’t say I get too many.

Sofia was shitting in the Gryffindor room. Harry Potter smelled the stink and died. Ron and Hermione were crying, but Sofia didn’t give a fuck and returned to the girls’ bedroom.

“OMG!” she exclaimed, “I’ve got a gift!”

She saw a bag of gifts next to her bed. She jumped on her bed and started unpacking everything. She received Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans, limited edition (every bean had the taste of shit), a chocolate frog (also shit-flavoured), sour candies (guess what flavour), and a pack of very peculiar candies.

“Hmm, I wonder what do these candies taste like…” she thought and ate one.

Then the floor began to quake, and Sofia started farting. Suddenly, she farted very hard, and the stink from her ass formed a portal between Harry Potter’s world and Hell.

Army of devils with Satan himself attacked Hogwarts and killed EVERYBODY. Except Sofia, who survived because she hid under her bed.

Dumbledore survived too, cuz he was in his office reading Mein Kampf.

He noticed something’s wrong and left his office, just to see every student and teacher being slaughtered by devils.

Dumbledore put out his wand, but Satan ate it. Fortunately, Dumbledore had a spare one, hidden in his asshole. He took it out and casted a spell, which killed all the devils and Satan, and resurrected every student and teacher. Even Harry Potter was resurrected.

Everyone was happy, and Sofia threw out the devil candies into the toilet. Then she gave out her all other candies (yes, those shit-flavoured) to everyone in Hogwarts, and everyone ate them. They weren’t as bad as they thought they would be.

THE END