Jake’s Fecal Adventure

Jake finished his dinner.

„Thanks honey, that chicken was great.” He said.

„But honey… that wasn’t chicken…” His wife claimed.

„Huh?”

„We’ve been having a lot of money problems lately.”

„I know, so?”

„We can’t afford a chicken, hon.”

„What did I eat then?”

„I cooked a road-killed skunk that I found on the way to the church.”

Jake gulped. He slowly got up from the chair and said in a shaky voice:

„So you mean that I ate a skunk?? That was killed by some truck on the road?”

„Yeah, but it’s fresh! It must have been killed no longer than three days ago.”

Jake tried to smile, but he couldn’t take this anymore.

„GOTTA GO FAST!!” he shouted and ran to the toilet, trampling through his wife, who fell on the floor and died.

Jake pulled down his pants and quickly sat on the toilet, just when the shit started leaking out.

„LEAVE MY BODY, SATAN!” he screamed, as the thick, brown shit leaked from his asshole down into the toilet.

Suddenly, he farted so hard that the toilet cracked. He had to hold onto it with his hands, otherwise he would go flying to the space.

When he thought it was over, he felt sudden qukes, coming out of his ass. He grabbed the toilet again and it was time for round two.

He shat so much that the shit would soon flood his house, so he pressed down the button to keep the water flowing. But because of this, he was only holding the toilet with his one hand, so when another nuclear fart came, it almost tore off his arm.

After ten hours of constant shit-flow and farting, Jake’s ass was as loose as a chewed up gummy bear. The stink was unbearable and locals said that someone in the village shat so much that their toilets exploded with a shitty geyser, and they wanted to kill that someone.

Jake escaped the village before anyone found out about his shitting, and travelled to Africa to find the ancient treasure of King Arthur. After twenty-five years of excavations, he found it. But it turned out to be a shit fossil that Jesus took when he was on his trip to the Democratic Republic of Kongo. He threw it away and hung himself.

Then some random black guy found it and ate it and became a GOD. He turned everyone in the world black, and made it so that everyone is immortal. After just five months, there were 800 billion people in the world, and they were all black. Umm, I don’t know why I’m even writing this.

THE END

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Refreshing Old Shits

If you have taken a shit within last 24 hours, you are obliged to write a constructive comment under this story, with an opinion on this story as well as on the whole blog. I know you have shat, smartasses, but you will keep lurking anyway ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) What’s so hard about writing a comment?
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Patrick log onto his Facebook and scrolled through his friends’ newest posts.

“Hmm, all of my friends are posting videos of popular YouTubers, funny photos of cats and emo-songs, that make me wanna kill myself.” he noticed, “Maybe I should post something as well, so that bitches from my class will finally notice me.

Patrick opened up YouTube and looked at his favorite songs. He found a cool, relaxing song and copied its url adress.

“Who recognizes this song, thumbs up! :D” Patrick wrote in his post and pasted a link to Gorillaz – Amarillo.

After a few minutes he received the first comment.

“Omg! Someone posted a comment! :D” Patrick got excited.

Tell me, why do you post some crap from 2010? :p Don’t be lame Patrick ;d”

“…” Patrick lost his smile.

“It’s a… decent song, but I got soooo sleepy while listening to this 😐 Like, what the hell.”

“XDDDDDD Patrick, you’re such a Patrick! XD Hahaha, topkek :D”

“Gorillaz haven’t released an album for years, why did you remind me of them?”

“Don’t post old crap, Patrick.”

At this moment Patrick got furious, and left his house quickly. He ran through the city and forced his way to Angelina’s house. He knocked her out with a strong hit with a baseball bat, tied her up and ran back to his basement, where he left her. Then he ran out again and captured a couple more people, that were stupid enough to laugh at him.

 

 

The guys Patrick captured woke up after a few hours, when Patrick splashed a bucket of cold piss on them.

“Dafuq is happening?” Damien woke up.

“Where am I? What are you doing here?!” Angelina started panicking.

“Why am I tied up?” Jacob started wriggling.

“I wanna go home!” Peter cried.

“Wait, who’s there in the darkness? Show yourself!” Tiffany shouted.

Then Patrick came out of the darkness.

“Patrick!??” everyone was confused.

Patrick was holding a bag. He opened it and spilled its content out on the floor.

“What is this?!” Damien shouted, “What the hell are you doing, Patrick?”

Patrick sighed and crouched.

“What I spilled here, is what I’ve been gathering for the past few hours. Anyone knows, what it is?” he asked.

Everyone was frightened.

“Is this… dog shit?” Angelina winced.

“Naturally.” Patrick replied, “Not just one, but a whole pile of dog shit. Old, dry dog shits, that I found and gathered just to bring them here and show them to you.”

“W-well, now that we’ve s-seen it, maybe you can l-let us go, h-huh?” Peter mumbled.

“Well no, my dear friend.” Patrick patted his head, “Because I want to see, how you refresh these shits.”

“What??” Jacob asked.

“As I said, you won’t leave this place, until you refresh these shits.”

“Patrick, what the fuck are you talking about, let us free!” Tiffany shouted, but then Patrickk aimed his shotgun at her face.

‘Come on! Refresh these shits!” Patrick screamed and started laughing like a maniac.

Everyone was scared shitless after Patrick aimed his shotgun at them.

“Wait, how are we supposed to refresh that?” Jacob asked.

“Oh, right, silly me.” Patrick said, and opened a second bag. He spilled its content on the floor. “Here you have brown paint, paintbrushes and glitter. You have to paint these shits perfectly. Move!”

“But you tied us up! D: ” Angelina cried.

“So paint with your mouths, now!”

Everyone was too afraid to disobey, so they grabbed paintbrushes with their mouths and dipped them in brown paint. It was difficult, so all of them got dirty, which was very funny to Patrick.

They started painting the shits, and after like 15 minutes the shits were beautifully brown.

“Now spill the glitter on them, come on!”

They started spilling glitter on the shits and soon they were all shiny and glorious.

“Hey, can you tell me why do you refresh old shit?!” Patrick laughed like a madman, “Huh?! Tell me, why are you refreshing old shits!”

“You forced us to do it!!” Jacob yelled.

“Now you see, how it is, when somebody laughs at you, because you refresh old shit!”

“This doesn’t make ANY sense!” TIffany claimed, “Where is the logic in what you’re saying?!

Patrick then realized, that his revenge was in fact pointless, and when he releases them, they’re gonna go to police and they will get Patrick locked up.

Patrick took out a small, metalic stick from his ass. The stick had a lamp near the top.

“Look at this lamp.” Patrick said.

“Patrick, when I get out of here, I will fuck you up, and…” FLASH! Angelina and the others collapsed.

Patrick brought them back to their homes, and then he returned to his home and cleaned up the shits in his basement.

Next day in school everything was like always. Patrick deleted his post with his favorite track, before anyone else saw it, and those who commented on it got their memory erased.

Patrick entered a geography class

“Who’s gonna show me on this map, where lies Democratic Republic of Congo?” the teacher asked.

“MEEE!” Patrick yelled and aimed his ass at the map. He shot a shit from his ass directly where Democratic Republic of Congo was.”

“PATRICK!” the teacher screamed, “Why would you do this?!”

Patrick zipped his pants back and said:

“Because I’m retarded, and the story needed some anticlimatic ending anyway.

THE END

 

 

 

A Weed Story

Jimmy took a shit in the toilet, and then he approached his friends, who were waiting for him outside.

“Hey, Jimmy, we were just talking about yesterday!” Johny said.

“You mean when I farted in classroom and the teacher fainted?”

“Yes! We wanted to celebrate today.” Kevin said.

“Oh, cool! Let’s buy a few bags of chips and some orange juice, and we’re gonna watch Dexter’s Laboratory till the evening!”

“Umm, no.” said Johny, “Instead, let’s blaze this weed that I bought yesterday.”

Jimmy looked at the small packet of weed.

“Is this… marijuana? But… a priest in our church said that whoever blazes weed will go to hell?”

“Hah! What a retard!” Kevin laughed, “Now you’ve made a fool out of yourself! Come on, Johny, let’s beat him up!”

Johny and Kevin activated extermination mode and started shooting homing missiles at Jimmy from their asses. Fortunately, Jimmy was prepared for such situation, and used his magic to summon a giant ball of shit, which crushed Johny and Kevin to death.

Jimmy noticed that Johny has dropped the weed.

“Hmm, maybe I’ll give it a try.”

He rolled the weed with toilet paper and blazed it.

He woke up next day, lying on the street in the city center. There were bloody corpses everywhere, and everything looked like some post-apocalyptic wasteland. There were banana peels scattered everywhere, as well as books on quantum physics covered in shit.

Jimmy woke up and grabbed his head.

“What in the name of Jesus Christ has happened here?”

He looked at the destruction that he caused, while in amok caused by blazing the weed.

Jimmy came to conclusion that weed is indeed Satan’s creation, and went to a church to cleanse his body from sin (and shit) using holy water. Then he teleported to Costa Rica to teach black people about Jesus.

 

 

THE END

If I could become an elf, orc or a dwarf, I would choose an orc, because orcs stink the most (though dwarves stink only a little less).

Incredible Map

The reason for which I haven’t uploaded anything for weeks are my laziness and college ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) But mostly laziness ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) And now you can read this gr8 story.

It was friday evening. Tom and Jerry were playing a funny game about zombies.

“Tom, why does this map suck so bad? Did YOU make it? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)” Jerry asked.

“Very funny, but let me remind you that you’re the one that’s poor and I can afford the most expensive sweetrolls ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)”

“Kek ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Back to the subject, this map is very ugly, its creator didn’t recreate Mexico very well.”

“Hey, let’s make our own map and set it in our neighborhood!”

“K lol ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)”

And then they made a map, and that took them five months of non-stop work.

Unfortunately, they didn’t predict that perverts from the Internet will use this map to find out where they live (they recreated their houses and marked the doors with signs “Here lives Tom” etc.)

Pedophiles from around the world have gathered at their neighborhood to rape them ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Fortunately, Jerry used magic to summon dragons, that ate all the pedophiles. And that was all of them, every pedophile from this planet was eaten. And that’s how the map Tom and Jerry had created has led to the destruction of all pedophilia.

THE END

Sorry for a story that’s so short and so game-specific, but well, I didn’t want to think much longer while I was writing ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Also, I have 6 exams next week, so you might have to wait for a new story until I finish them all.

 

Pablo wanted to clean his ass and what a surprise he had

Pablo’s ass was all dirty, because he hasn’t cleaned it for weeks. So he went to the bathroom, poured some liquid soap on his ass and cleaned it :>

Byt what is this?! :O It wasn’t a liquid soap! Accidentaly, he used a superglue, which NASA uses to seal up rockets!

OMG! Pablo’s ass was all glued, and he needed to take a shit!

What to do?!

Fortunately, Pablo had prepared a solution for such situation. He took a vacuum cleaner and sticked its pipe into his ass and enabled it on full power.

He got a bit dizzy, but at least the glue went off c: And he didn’t have to shit anymore!

Unfortunately, yesterday’s chilli con carne made its presence felt, and ripped Pablo’s ass in half.

THE END