Jake’s Fecal Adventure

Jake finished his dinner.

„Thanks honey, that chicken was great.” He said.

„But honey… that wasn’t chicken…” His wife claimed.

„Huh?”

„We’ve been having a lot of money problems lately.”

„I know, so?”

„We can’t afford a chicken, hon.”

„What did I eat then?”

„I cooked a road-killed skunk that I found on the way to the church.”

Jake gulped. He slowly got up from the chair and said in a shaky voice:

„So you mean that I ate a skunk?? That was killed by some truck on the road?”

„Yeah, but it’s fresh! It must have been killed no longer than three days ago.”

Jake tried to smile, but he couldn’t take this anymore.

„GOTTA GO FAST!!” he shouted and ran to the toilet, trampling through his wife, who fell on the floor and died.

Jake pulled down his pants and quickly sat on the toilet, just when the shit started leaking out.

„LEAVE MY BODY, SATAN!” he screamed, as the thick, brown shit leaked from his asshole down into the toilet.

Suddenly, he farted so hard that the toilet cracked. He had to hold onto it with his hands, otherwise he would go flying to the space.

When he thought it was over, he felt sudden qukes, coming out of his ass. He grabbed the toilet again and it was time for round two.

He shat so much that the shit would soon flood his house, so he pressed down the button to keep the water flowing. But because of this, he was only holding the toilet with his one hand, so when another nuclear fart came, it almost tore off his arm.

After ten hours of constant shit-flow and farting, Jake’s ass was as loose as a chewed up gummy bear. The stink was unbearable and locals said that someone in the village shat so much that their toilets exploded with a shitty geyser, and they wanted to kill that someone.

Jake escaped the village before anyone found out about his shitting, and travelled to Africa to find the ancient treasure of King Arthur. After twenty-five years of excavations, he found it. But it turned out to be a shit fossil that Jesus took when he was on his trip to the Democratic Republic of Kongo. He threw it away and hung himself.

Then some random black guy found it and ate it and became a GOD. He turned everyone in the world black, and made it so that everyone is immortal. After just five months, there were 800 billion people in the world, and they were all black. Umm, I don’t know why I’m even writing this.

THE END

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Black Guy Tyrone Eats A Thick, Brown Substance That Came Out Of His Big, Black Hole.

Tyrone went to the kitchen and checked if there’s anything delicious in the fridge.

“Hmm, there are two eggs, one slice of cheese, a bottle of ketchup and some avian feces leftovers from yesterday’s dinner.” He noticed and checked on the freezer, “Nothing inside here…”

He got really hungry and had to eat FAST. Otherwise he could DIE. He didn’t want to be like all those mainstream black boys, dying from starvation everyday somewhere in Africa (wherever it was), so he decided that he’s gonna eat anything he’ll find in his house.

However, when he tried to swallow his TV he almost broke his jaw.

“Shit, I gotta eat something softer and smaller than that…” he said to himself, “Wait…. ‘shit’… I know!”

He pulled down his pants, crouched down and a literal black hole appeared in front of him. He reached into it and grabbed some chocolate ice cream.

“Thank you black hole, you never disappoint me.” He said.

“No problem dawg.” The black hole replied, “You know I’m always there for you, my nigga.”

And then the hole disappeared. Tyrone got up and pulled up his pants, and then he ate the ice cream.

THE END

Didn’t expect that, huh?

Frank Makes A Terrible Mistake In Contact With Black People

Great story 10/10  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Frank approached some black dudes in Manhattan and asked:

“Excuse me, but are you guys black?”

“Indeed, we are.” Some black guy replied, “Why are you asking, young boy?”

“Because I don’t really like nigs.”

“Oh, what a coincidence, we don’t like whites, too!”

Then the black guys turned into werewolves and bit Frank’s head off.

Later the black guys were caught and prosecuted, but they were released free, because that would be racist if they were considered guilty.

Frank died for nothing, and his carcass was delivered to a nearby butchery and was turned into a delicious sausage, YUM! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

THE END

It was worth waiting for such a cool story, right? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Kobe Bryant’s pathetic humiliation

Kobe Bryant entered his bathroom and took a shit. He farted a lot, and the shit was coming out very slowly, but at least it didn’t splash toilet water on his anus. When the shit was finally out, he wiped his ass and pulled up his pants and went outside.

He walked a bit around his hood and saw some kids playing football. They noticed him and approached him.

“Sir, are you Kobe Bryant from NBA, the famous black boi that plays basketball, a game that is significantly worse than football?” some kid asked.

“Yup, the same one.” Lucio confirmed.

“Is that true that you have over 300 confirmed won matches and that you’re in fact from Africa, and that you’re secretely a Trump supporter?” some other kid asked.

“Yup, yup, and yup.” Lucio nodded.

“Can you stop yupping and give me an autograph?” the last kid asked and pulled out a piece of paper and a pen out of his pocket.

“Sure, what’s your name?”

“It’s Tyrone… wait, why do your hands stink like shit?”

Kobe sniffed his hands up close and failed to keep a straight face.

“Oh my god, I think I didn’t wash my hands after I took a shit…” he stated.

“Yuck! You stink like shit, Kobe! I don’t want a shitty autograph!”

The kids ran away and Kobe quickly ran home and entered his bathroom.

He applied a lot of liquid soap on his hands and started washing his hands. He rinsed his hands and did it all over again.

“Fuck me, they still smell like shit!” Kobe was close to cutting his fucking hands off, but then he realized…

“I know!” he yelled, “I must wash them one hundred times more and then they will smell fine!”

He washed his hands 100 times more. They indeed didn’t smell like shit anymore, but it took him 4 hours to wash them.

And that’s why kids, you should always wash your hands right after you take a shit, otherwise the shit on your hands will become all dry and very difficult to wash.

Kobe smiled with a relief, and to celebrate his victory over his shitty hands, he took another shit, and another one, and another one, and and another one.

And another one.

THE END

And another one

December Farting Fiesta 2016 final part – Sofia celebrates New Year

Sofia looked at the clock. It was 22:37.

“JESUS CHRIST!” she got scared, “It’s the New Year soon!”

She got up from the chair and put her ass on the toilet and took a shit. Then she went outside.

She took a dynamite out of her ass and light it up with fire. Then she threw it on the road and some car boom exploded.

“HAH FIREWORKS!” she laughed, “Oh damn, I need to take a shit again.”

She had to take a shit but she couldn’t take a shit because it was already midnight and nobody shits now people watch fireworks how they explode and do colors but they don’t shit.

Some kids approached Sofia and asked her.

“Hey you, why is your face so stupid?”

Sofia got mad and casted a magical spell Avada Kedavra on those kids and those kids didn’t belong to the world of the living anymore.

Then Harry Potter came back from the dead and said some shit like:

“Sofia, what is going on here?”

“NOTHING, HAHAHAHAHA!”

Sofia didn’t spare Harry and Harry was killed.

Sofia came back to Ron’s home (which she claimed her own) and filled her room with herself, and there was already a freshly baked raspberry pie waiting for her. She ate the pie and took a shit and went to sleep.

She woke up on January 1st and lived her life.

THE END

I hope you liked my december stories. Happy New Year, everybody!

 

 

December Farting Fiesta 2016 part 2 – Very Festive Candies

Sorry for posting late, it was supposed to be posted on Dec 6th, but I was too lazy to translate it (I write in Polish first), so forgive me. Also, feel free to write a comment. I can’t say I get too many.

Sofia was shitting in the Gryffindor room. Harry Potter smelled the stink and died. Ron and Hermione were crying, but Sofia didn’t give a fuck and returned to the girls’ bedroom.

“OMG!” she exclaimed, “I’ve got a gift!”

She saw a bag of gifts next to her bed. She jumped on her bed and started unpacking everything. She received Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans, limited edition (every bean had the taste of shit), a chocolate frog (also shit-flavoured), sour candies (guess what flavour), and a pack of very peculiar candies.

“Hmm, I wonder what do these candies taste like…” she thought and ate one.

Then the floor began to quake, and Sofia started farting. Suddenly, she farted very hard, and the stink from her ass formed a portal between Harry Potter’s world and Hell.

Army of devils with Satan himself attacked Hogwarts and killed EVERYBODY. Except Sofia, who survived because she hid under her bed.

Dumbledore survived too, cuz he was in his office reading Mein Kampf.

He noticed something’s wrong and left his office, just to see every student and teacher being slaughtered by devils.

Dumbledore put out his wand, but Satan ate it. Fortunately, Dumbledore had a spare one, hidden in his asshole. He took it out and casted a spell, which killed all the devils and Satan, and resurrected every student and teacher. Even Harry Potter was resurrected.

Everyone was happy, and Sofia threw out the devil candies into the toilet. Then she gave out her all other candies (yes, those shit-flavoured) to everyone in Hogwarts, and everyone ate them. They weren’t as bad as they thought they would be.

THE END

A Truly Satanic Adventure of Hanzel and Gretel

Truly Satanic, indeed.

This is the first story that I upload not right away, but have it planned for the next day, instead. So you know, I’m writing it on 30th and it will post itself on 31st.

Magic ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

It was a late afternoon in Los Angeles. Hanzel and Gretel were sitting in a room in their house, playing with grandpa’s pocket knife. Then Hanzel realized that it was Halloween that day.

”JESUS CHRIST!”, he screamed, ”It’s Halloween today!”

”OMG!”, Gretel screamed, ”We must ask grandma if she will let us leave tonight!”

Then their grandma appeared at the door.

”Forget about it, little shits!”, she said, ”You will stay with me inside. I’ll sprinkle holy water on the door, so no demons will come to haunt us.

”But grandmaaaaa!!”, Gretel yelled, ”It’s just for fun!”

”That’s right!” Hanzel added.

”I won’t let you participate in the dark festival of Satan!” Grandma said, ”This Halloween is just to turn kids into little satanists, and make them join the cult of the king of devils, Satan!

”Granny, are you fucking kidding me?” Hanzel asked, ”Kids don’t care about any stupid satanic cult!”

”Kids just want to dress up as monsters, have fun, and collect candies!” Gretel stated.

Grandma shook her head, but she agreed in the end.

”Alright…” she said, ”You can go. But BEHAVE!”

”Hurray!” children got happy and hugged their grandma.

They went to their room and took their costumes out of their wardrobe. Hanzel dressed up as a devil, and Gretel dressed up as a vampire.

They waited half an hour until it gets dark and they left their house.

”I thought she wasn’t gonna let us out, that old cunt.” Hanzel spitted on the floor.

”I know right, lord Satan wouldn’t be pleased…” Gretel nodded.

”We have to get so many things done tonight… Drain souls out of two people and sacrifice them to the dark Lord, and cover ourselves with dog shit.”

”Don’t forget about hunting down and eating a black cat on a graveyard, and recruiting someone to join Satan.

”Yeah… the requirements get higher each year…”

”True, but what other choice we have? You don’t want us to get kicked out from Satanic Church, right?”

”Of course not. Ok, come over here.”

They approached some house and knocked the door.

A young lady and her husband opened and looked at them.

”Oh, look honey what cute little kids have visited to us!” the lady said.

”I bet they want some candies? Wait a moment, I’ll bring some!” the guy said.

”Noo, there is no need, really.” Hanzel said, ”Just offer your souls to Satan and it’ll be okay.”

”Hahaha! Such funnny kids!” The lady laughed.

”I think I’ll give them more candies! Hahaha!” her husband laughed.

Then Gretel opened her mouth and sucked their souls inside.

”Dafuq, what happened?” the lady felt weird.

”What have you done to us?” the guys asked.

”Oh, nothing.” Gretel replied, ”I only drained your souls.”

”Wut?!”

”They’re still normal, but when me and my brother sacrifice them to Satan, you won’t go to heaven after death, but straight into Satan’s stomach, who will eat you, to get stronger for the destruction of humanity.”

”Oh, coo. But seriously, what did you do?”

”I farted on you.”

”Oh, hahaha! Here, have these candies, and have fun scaring more people!”

The lady gave them some delicious, strawberry mousse candies, covered in chocolate. Then they said goodbye to Hanzel and Gretel and the kids went their way.

Gretel put out Satan’s picture from her pocket and farted on it. This way she sacrificed the souls she drained earlier.

”Okay, so we’re done with draining and sacrificing souls.” Hanzel said, ”Let’s go and cover ourselves with dog shit now.”

”Okay, and later we can go recruit someone to the black church.

They found a few dog shits lying on grass and smeared them into themselves.

Then some kids approached them. They were wearing various monster costumes, like skeletons, zombie etc.

”WTF, look at these idiots!” some kid shouted, ”They’re covering themselves with dog shit!”

”HAHAHAHA!” the kids laughed.

Then Hanzel cackled.

”You really have never seen the shit-smearing ritual?” he laughed, ”Look at this!”

Hanzel put his hand to the front. Then, a small shitball started forming in his hand and increased its size. After a while, Hanzel shot the shit and it splattered on a nearby building’s wall, leaving a big, brown shit stain.

”Wooww!” Kids dropped their jaws, ”Such power!”

”How can I learn this?”

”Is this connected to your shit-smearing ritual?”

Hanzel started explaining.

”That was a basic, first level shit spell, Shit Bolt.” He said, ”The magic of shit can only be used during Halloween, but first, you have to activate it by smearing dog shit into you.”

”OMG!” the kids were impressed.

”So it’s Halloweed that turns shit into such power?” some kid asked.

”No.” Hanzel replied, ”The shit magic originates from Satan. Shit is, next to fire and darkness, one of three main forces of Hell, and Halloween is the night of Lord Satan. Only Satan’s servants may acces shit magic, and only on Halloween.”

”Oh shit!” The kids screamed in excitation.

”But how to become a Satan’s servant?”

”Exactly! I want to try out the shit magic tonight!”

Gretel explained:

”You must go to a member of Satan’s Church, with their rank being at least Priest. He will introduce you into the secrets of Hell and perform a Dark Mass for initiates. During the mass, you will have to make an oath to Satan. After that, you will be official recruits of Satan’s Church, and after death you will become devils under Satan’s duty.”

”WOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW!!”

”Where can we find a Satan’s Priest??!”

”From what I know, right now, there should be an annual mass in honor of Satan taking place right now, in a forest in the East of Los Angeles. If you hurry, you might get there before everyone disbands.”

The kids ran to the forest happily.

”Well, we’ve just recruited like 5 people.” Hanzel noticed and got happy.

”To be honest, I was doubting we’d be able to recruit even one person.” Gretel admitted, ”Well, now only thing that’s left is to hunt for a black cat and eat it on a graveyard, and then we can go back.”

Then, from the bushes nearby, a black cat jumped out.

”LOL, a black cat!” Hanzel yelled.

”Grab it!” Hanzel screamed and they both ran to catch the cat.

Hanzel and Gretel were casting Shit Bolts at the cat, but the cat was too agile, and it dodged every shit easily. Hanzel got mad and used a second level shit spell – Shit Ball. It was a bigger version of Shit Bolt spell, which explodes on impact, covering the area around with shit.

The Shit Ball landed next to the cat, and the explosion launched the cat high up in the air.

”Oh no! Catch it before it escapes!” Hanzel shouted.

Gretel used a third level shit spell – Shit Geyser. A huge shit geyser shoot out from the ground, which launched Gretel in the air. She was about to catch the cat, when she got shot in the arm by someone.

”AHARGharGHARGhARGhAGRhAGRhARHgAHRG!!!!!!!!!” Gretel howled in a devilish voice and fell on her face. The black cat ran away.

”Who’s there?! Show yourself!” Hanzel yelled.

Then he saw a person, coming out from the shadows.

”It’s YOU??!”

In the light of a lamppost, Hanzel’s and Gretel’s grandma appeared.

”I knew you were satanists.” Grandma said, while reloading her revolver, ”I only let you leave our house, so that I could find my old revolver in secret.”

”What?!?”

”I used to be a demon hunter 50 years ago. These bullets are made of silver, and blessed by the Pope himself.”

”So what that they’re made of silver?”

”Look at Gretel.”

Hanzel looked at Gretel. Or, at what was left of her, which was a pile of ash.

”NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” Hanzel howled, and activated his devil form. He grew horns and a tail, and shit started leaking uncontrollably from his anus.

”HARHARGHGARHGRGHARHRGA!!!”

”Die, beast!”

Grandma shot a bullet at Hanzel’s snout, but he summoned a Shit Wall, a high-level shit spell, reserved only for devils and the most deserving servants of Satan.

The bullet got stuck in the shit wall, and Hanzel jumped on grandma, and was about to bite off her head, but he got shot in the head off a shotgun and died, and turned into ash.

”Oh, it’s you!” grandma smiled.

”Yes, it’s me.” grandpa said, ”I sensed the presence of Satanic power around.”

”Hey, let’s go destroy every satanist in Los Angeles, okay?”

”Okay, yolo!”

Then grandma and grandpa rushed into the forest, in the East of Los Angeles, and destroyed everyone. Even those kids, who came there earlier and were already smearing shit into themselves.

Lord Satan had no more power in Los Angeles. Since then, everyone who was practicing shit magic, was by force thrown into a rocket and sent for a one-way journey into space.

THE END