Keyboard case for tablets 7″ by Tracer

First of all, I’d like to say that I love smearing Nutella into my ass.

( ͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °)

But for real, I’ve got a great review of a not-so great accessory for tablets, which I bought a few months ago.

etui tracer

White case with a keyboard from Tracer, which costed me about 5 dollars. And even though it was very cheap and you can write something on it away from home or in bed, the item we’re looking at is SHIT ( ͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °)

The picture may not show it, but my keyboard has like 10 additional buttons, like TWO of the same button (vertical line/left slash), one next to Z button and one above Enter. Also, the Fn button is in the lower left corner, and Control is to its right. CONTROL BUTTON is not on the corner! And why did they add a Sleep button?! and Pause Break!??! Who needs that shit on a tablet! Also, Numlock replaces some of the other buttons with Numpad, so you can’t type and use NumPad buttons at the same time.

 

It’s also worth noting that the buttons are so cheap and fragile, that even the most silent fart can damage the keyboard, let alone a slightly harded push. So, if your hands are heavy, better look for something more sturdy (e.g. a limited edition keyboard made of dry shit, that can be bought in Nigeria).

But wait! There are even more cons to this product ( ͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °).

It has problems with non-english characters, and some apps don’t work with it (Enter doesn’t send the message. Some apps don’t support using your tablet horizontally, making the keyboard hard to use)

But enough about the keyboard. Let’s talk a bit about the case itself. Well, it came dirty ( ͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °) I bought it online, and the piece of paper that the case is wrapped in has a big rectangular hole it it, so you can touch it before buying. Fortunately it wasn’t covered in shit, cuz I’ve heard that some people’s cases came all brown and stinky.

It was also supposed to have a scriber included, but my seemed to vanish somehow ( ͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °) They probably add one to every second case in the magazines, for cutting costs probably ( ͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °)

Let’s cover pros, maybe?

Besides the fact that it works, there are none ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Well, maybe the low price of ~5 dollars is a pro to someone.

You can’t regulate the angle in which you place the case, and the micro USB cable is flying everywhere and placed in such spot, that you might not even be able to plug it into your tablet at all ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).

SCORE:

Appearance: 4/10 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Sturdiness: 3/10 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) So far I haven’t broken it yet, but I’m still scared to put this etui into my backpack.

Functionality: 7/10 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  When it comes to 7 inch tablets, there is not much choice, gotta take what you’ve got ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Comfort: A solid 2/10 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Writing on this thing is absolutely tragical.

Price: 8/10 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) A cheap case for poor people like me ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

OVERALL: 5/10 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I don’t recommend ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) If you just want to write from time to time, and/or you don’t have money (cuz you’ve spend everything on pot), this is a nice thing to have. But if you’re more serious about writing on a tablet, and you’ve got more money, invest in something better.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I’m retarded ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

 

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My birthday present

Sup there ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I got this for birthday:

 

  • two Planewalker decks from Aether Revolt expansion (MtG 2017), each containing a 60-card deck with a Planeswalker and 2 booster packs
  • Deck Builder’s Toolkit from Kaladesh expansion (MtG 2016)
  • two dices D20 (official MtG)
  • free bonus – 100 card sleeves

Now do tell me, does anyone here have any idea what I’m talking about?
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

MAGIC THE GATHERING IS THE BEST CARD GAME EVER, EVEN BETTER THAN DUEL MASTERS, AND THAT WAS A BIG PART OF MY CHILDHOOD!

Aaand by the way, I like cookies ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Topkek ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

David starts a campaign on Kickstarter

I just wanted to say that there are lots of black people in Africa. Now start reading.

David was lying on a couch and playing some SHITTY game on his smartphone.

“Dafuq is happening in this stupid game??!” he screamed, “I have to buy a premium version of the game to progress?! What a SHIT!”

And then he threw the phone at a wall, but it bounced off and hit him in the face (his walls were made of rubber).

“This is bullshit, there are no good RPG games for Android devices.” he thought, “I think I would make a better game than this crap…”

And then he came up with a GR8 idea. He’s gonna make a perfect RPG game, full of adventures, beautiful places, interesting characters and absolutely free!

He entered Kickstarter, a webpage for funding projects. He created a topic titles “A cool RPG game”.

Hi there!

I want to make an RPG game for Android devices. iOS is SHIT, so iPhone users won’t get SHIT from me.

My game will be called AMAZING ADVENTURE. In AMAZING ADVENTURE, there will be:

– an enormous, open world of Niggerlandia, based on classics of fantasy genre

– about 6000 non-player characters, each with their unique story and character

– a thousand quests, for approximately 1000 hours of gameplay (and this is just the main questline!)

– ten thousand side quests (every one is fresh, unrepeatable, with no quests like “Kill 20 wolves” 

– 20 (twenty) classes

– 300 unique skills and spells and 600 passive abilities for each class

– 40 (forty) main bosses, including Master of Darkness and Black Magic, Nignogus Maximus (a big, bad sorcerer from a land called Faggotland, who killed your family and dog in your home village), and 100 side bosses. Every boss has their unique combat style, and all of them require a strategy to beat them

– 200 (two hundred!!!) kinds of distance weapons and 400 (FOUR HUNDRED) kinds of melee weapons. Every kind has dozens of weapons (for example, there are 60 glaves in the game, and glaves are just one weapon type!), they look unique and neither of them feels the same when fighting

– 80 (EIGHTY, YOU HEAR ME!??!??!?) companions, that can join you in your adventure across Niggerlandia in a group of five people. With each of them, you can start ROMANTIC INTERACTIONS, I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW GOOD THIS GAME IS GONNA BE!!!! (neither yours or your comapnion’s gender will not affect the possibility to romance, so you can romance with all of them, who cares!)

– an option to build your own house in thirty different locations (in a jungle, in a forest full of mushrooms, in a cave, on a peak of a snowy mountain, up a mountain giant’s anus etc.), using thousands of customization options, furniture etc.

– an option to make a family (but don’t worry! You don’t have to limit yourself to just one partner, otherwise you wouldn’t discover the whole game! You can marry EVERY single one of those 80 companions at the same time! Well, fuck me, I can give you TEN more companions, making 90 partners in total! Great!)

– lots of social groups, living in Niggerlandia (including strong and fast Nigorians, maniacs of arcane knowledge – whitemarians, crazed gang members – niggangsters, and much more)

– non-player characters’ reactions to your gender, appearance and skin color (each of those six thousand NPCs will have over 100 000 possible voice-lines about your look. That said, whiterians will judge you harsher if you’re a Blackus/Arabixus, and Faggoters will have alternative dialogues if you’re playing as a male character and you’re wearing tight pants)

– and, later in the game, a possibility to travel across time and space! You can visit different realms and planets, which in total is about thirty worlds as big as Niggerlandia, each with different people, culture, religion, sex preference, bosses, quests, companions, classes, weapons and everything!

And the best part is that the game will be TOTALLY FREE!

However, I can’t make this game without financial support!

Support the project now! If you donate at least 5 dollars, you will get a copy of AMAZING ADVENTURE before it launches, as well as a baseball cap with the game’s logo, a VHS cassette with an interview with the game’s creator (me), a set of gummy dicks (different flavours), and a blanket with a big picture of my asshole.

Goal – 20 million dollars

David pressed the Create Topic button and relaxed in his chair. After all, he was such a great game designer! He should have started a campaign on Kickstarter long time ago, he was SO good!

But then, it hit him that he din’t know how to program for SHIT, he couldn’t draw, compose, he couldn’t EVEN write well.

“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!” he screamed and was about to delete the campaign, when he saw that he had already gathered 20 billion dollars, which was like 100 000% of the goal.

Everyone in the world donated at least a dollar, so that David could make this game.

“Hmm, I think I know what I should do now.” he said to himself.

He went upstairs, took a rope, and – no, he didn’t kill himself – took it to his backyard. He had a rocket waiting for him there. He attached one end of the rope to the rocket, and the other end to his ass. He pressed a button and it launched him to a different realm, full of ninja turtles. EVERYONE was a ninja turtle in that one. Kek.

THE END

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

Refreshing Old Shits

If you have taken a shit within last 24 hours, you are obliged to write a constructive comment under this story, with an opinion on this story as well as on the whole blog. I know you have shat, smartasses, but you will keep lurking anyway ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) What’s so hard about writing a comment?
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Patrick log onto his Facebook and scrolled through his friends’ newest posts.

“Hmm, all of my friends are posting videos of popular YouTubers, funny photos of cats and emo-songs, that make me wanna kill myself.” he noticed, “Maybe I should post something as well, so that bitches from my class will finally notice me.

Patrick opened up YouTube and looked at his favorite songs. He found a cool, relaxing song and copied its url adress.

“Who recognizes this song, thumbs up! :D” Patrick wrote in his post and pasted a link to Gorillaz – Amarillo.

After a few minutes he received the first comment.

“Omg! Someone posted a comment! :D” Patrick got excited.

Tell me, why do you post some crap from 2010? :p Don’t be lame Patrick ;d”

“…” Patrick lost his smile.

“It’s a… decent song, but I got soooo sleepy while listening to this 😐 Like, what the hell.”

“XDDDDDD Patrick, you’re such a Patrick! XD Hahaha, topkek :D”

“Gorillaz haven’t released an album for years, why did you remind me of them?”

“Don’t post old crap, Patrick.”

At this moment Patrick got furious, and left his house quickly. He ran through the city and forced his way to Angelina’s house. He knocked her out with a strong hit with a baseball bat, tied her up and ran back to his basement, where he left her. Then he ran out again and captured a couple more people, that were stupid enough to laugh at him.

 

 

The guys Patrick captured woke up after a few hours, when Patrick splashed a bucket of cold piss on them.

“Dafuq is happening?” Damien woke up.

“Where am I? What are you doing here?!” Angelina started panicking.

“Why am I tied up?” Jacob started wriggling.

“I wanna go home!” Peter cried.

“Wait, who’s there in the darkness? Show yourself!” Tiffany shouted.

Then Patrick came out of the darkness.

“Patrick!??” everyone was confused.

Patrick was holding a bag. He opened it and spilled its content out on the floor.

“What is this?!” Damien shouted, “What the hell are you doing, Patrick?”

Patrick sighed and crouched.

“What I spilled here, is what I’ve been gathering for the past few hours. Anyone knows, what it is?” he asked.

Everyone was frightened.

“Is this… dog shit?” Angelina winced.

“Naturally.” Patrick replied, “Not just one, but a whole pile of dog shit. Old, dry dog shits, that I found and gathered just to bring them here and show them to you.”

“W-well, now that we’ve s-seen it, maybe you can l-let us go, h-huh?” Peter mumbled.

“Well no, my dear friend.” Patrick patted his head, “Because I want to see, how you refresh these shits.”

“What??” Jacob asked.

“As I said, you won’t leave this place, until you refresh these shits.”

“Patrick, what the fuck are you talking about, let us free!” Tiffany shouted, but then Patrickk aimed his shotgun at her face.

‘Come on! Refresh these shits!” Patrick screamed and started laughing like a maniac.

Everyone was scared shitless after Patrick aimed his shotgun at them.

“Wait, how are we supposed to refresh that?” Jacob asked.

“Oh, right, silly me.” Patrick said, and opened a second bag. He spilled its content on the floor. “Here you have brown paint, paintbrushes and glitter. You have to paint these shits perfectly. Move!”

“But you tied us up! D: ” Angelina cried.

“So paint with your mouths, now!”

Everyone was too afraid to disobey, so they grabbed paintbrushes with their mouths and dipped them in brown paint. It was difficult, so all of them got dirty, which was very funny to Patrick.

They started painting the shits, and after like 15 minutes the shits were beautifully brown.

“Now spill the glitter on them, come on!”

They started spilling glitter on the shits and soon they were all shiny and glorious.

“Hey, can you tell me why do you refresh old shit?!” Patrick laughed like a madman, “Huh?! Tell me, why are you refreshing old shits!”

“You forced us to do it!!” Jacob yelled.

“Now you see, how it is, when somebody laughs at you, because you refresh old shit!”

“This doesn’t make ANY sense!” TIffany claimed, “Where is the logic in what you’re saying?!

Patrick then realized, that his revenge was in fact pointless, and when he releases them, they’re gonna go to police and they will get Patrick locked up.

Patrick took out a small, metalic stick from his ass. The stick had a lamp near the top.

“Look at this lamp.” Patrick said.

“Patrick, when I get out of here, I will fuck you up, and…” FLASH! Angelina and the others collapsed.

Patrick brought them back to their homes, and then he returned to his home and cleaned up the shits in his basement.

Next day in school everything was like always. Patrick deleted his post with his favorite track, before anyone else saw it, and those who commented on it got their memory erased.

Patrick entered a geography class

“Who’s gonna show me on this map, where lies Democratic Republic of Congo?” the teacher asked.

“MEEE!” Patrick yelled and aimed his ass at the map. He shot a shit from his ass directly where Democratic Republic of Congo was.”

“PATRICK!” the teacher screamed, “Why would you do this?!”

Patrick zipped his pants back and said:

“Because I’m retarded, and the story needed some anticlimatic ending anyway.

THE END

 

 

 

A Weed Story

Jimmy took a shit in the toilet, and then he approached his friends, who were waiting for him outside.

“Hey, Jimmy, we were just talking about yesterday!” Johny said.

“You mean when I farted in classroom and the teacher fainted?”

“Yes! We wanted to celebrate today.” Kevin said.

“Oh, cool! Let’s buy a few bags of chips and some orange juice, and we’re gonna watch Dexter’s Laboratory till the evening!”

“Umm, no.” said Johny, “Instead, let’s blaze this weed that I bought yesterday.”

Jimmy looked at the small packet of weed.

“Is this… marijuana? But… a priest in our church said that whoever blazes weed will go to hell?”

“Hah! What a retard!” Kevin laughed, “Now you’ve made a fool out of yourself! Come on, Johny, let’s beat him up!”

Johny and Kevin activated extermination mode and started shooting homing missiles at Jimmy from their asses. Fortunately, Jimmy was prepared for such situation, and used his magic to summon a giant ball of shit, which crushed Johny and Kevin to death.

Jimmy noticed that Johny has dropped the weed.

“Hmm, maybe I’ll give it a try.”

He rolled the weed with toilet paper and blazed it.

He woke up next day, lying on the street in the city center. There were bloody corpses everywhere, and everything looked like some post-apocalyptic wasteland. There were banana peels scattered everywhere, as well as books on quantum physics covered in shit.

Jimmy woke up and grabbed his head.

“What in the name of Jesus Christ has happened here?”

He looked at the destruction that he caused, while in amok caused by blazing the weed.

Jimmy came to conclusion that weed is indeed Satan’s creation, and went to a church to cleanse his body from sin (and shit) using holy water. Then he teleported to Costa Rica to teach black people about Jesus.

 

 

THE END

If I could become an elf, orc or a dwarf, I would choose an orc, because orcs stink the most (though dwarves stink only a little less).

Incredible Map

The reason for which I haven’t uploaded anything for weeks are my laziness and college ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) But mostly laziness ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) And now you can read this gr8 story.

It was friday evening. Tom and Jerry were playing a funny game about zombies.

“Tom, why does this map suck so bad? Did YOU make it? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)” Jerry asked.

“Very funny, but let me remind you that you’re the one that’s poor and I can afford the most expensive sweetrolls ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)”

“Kek ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Back to the subject, this map is very ugly, its creator didn’t recreate Mexico very well.”

“Hey, let’s make our own map and set it in our neighborhood!”

“K lol ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)”

And then they made a map, and that took them five months of non-stop work.

Unfortunately, they didn’t predict that perverts from the Internet will use this map to find out where they live (they recreated their houses and marked the doors with signs “Here lives Tom” etc.)

Pedophiles from around the world have gathered at their neighborhood to rape them ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Fortunately, Jerry used magic to summon dragons, that ate all the pedophiles. And that was all of them, every pedophile from this planet was eaten. And that’s how the map Tom and Jerry had created has led to the destruction of all pedophilia.

THE END

Sorry for a story that’s so short and so game-specific, but well, I didn’t want to think much longer while I was writing ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Also, I have 6 exams next week, so you might have to wait for a new story until I finish them all.

 

Frank Makes A Terrible Mistake In Contact With Black People

Great story 10/10  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Frank approached some black dudes in Manhattan and asked:

“Excuse me, but are you guys black?”

“Indeed, we are.” Some black guy replied, “Why are you asking, young boy?”

“Because I don’t really like nigs.”

“Oh, what a coincidence, we don’t like whites, too!”

Then the black guys turned into werewolves and bit Frank’s head off.

Later the black guys were caught and prosecuted, but they were released free, because that would be racist if they were considered guilty.

Frank died for nothing, and his carcass was delivered to a nearby butchery and was turned into a delicious sausage, YUM! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

THE END

It was worth waiting for such a cool story, right? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)