Review – Trust Starzz (A proof that God exists)

Hello there.

I would like to show you a microphone Trust Starzz.

 

No bullshit: this microphone is the best ass-inserter on the market. That round part goes to your asshole, and you move that stand in different angles (depending on the Moon phase). You’ll have to wiggle-waggle it a bit once it’s inside your anus, in case your ass hairs get stuck inside it. Next, you plug the cable into your PC and open up your sound card settings. There, you enable an option called “Extra charging.” That option charges the cable with electricity, which goes to the round part of the microphone (which is in your asshole btw). While the electricity shocks your ass from the inside, your brain works with double speed, letting you to understand life, universe, as well as achieving transcendence (and if your IQ is 130 or above, you have a chance to achieve omnipotence, as well as impotence). Warning: if the area around your asshole is really hairy, your ass can get set on fire, which, might I add, won’t end well for your health.

And now let’s move on to the ratings:

Appearance: */10 If it matters to you how it looks, you can rate it yourself. However, most od us will not care, since we’ll always have it inside our asses anyway.

Price: 10/10 I think I bought it for like 10 dollars, and that’s nothing comparing to the potential this microphone has.

Functionality: 10/10 It shocks your ass just right, and if we add the possibility to use this ass-inserter as a microphone for Internet calls (and that works great as well), it gives us a wholesome product for you to love.

Comfort: 9/10 I had to remove one point here, because although it does a great job as an ass-inserter, the stand is a bit wide, and it’s often difficult to put it on your desk and still have space for keyboard and mousepad.

OVERALL: 10/10 The best ass-inserting experience money can buy.

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Keyboard case for tablets 7″ by Tracer

First of all, I’d like to say that I love smearing Nutella into my ass.

( ͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °)

But for real, I’ve got a great review of a not-so great accessory for tablets, which I bought a few months ago.

etui tracer

White case with a keyboard from Tracer, which costed me about 5 dollars. And even though it was very cheap and you can write something on it away from home or in bed, the item we’re looking at is SHIT ( ͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °)

The picture may not show it, but my keyboard has like 10 additional buttons, like TWO of the same button (vertical line/left slash), one next to Z button and one above Enter. Also, the Fn button is in the lower left corner, and Control is to its right. CONTROL BUTTON is not on the corner! And why did they add a Sleep button?! and Pause Break!??! Who needs that shit on a tablet! Also, Numlock replaces some of the other buttons with Numpad, so you can’t type and use NumPad buttons at the same time.

 

It’s also worth noting that the buttons are so cheap and fragile, that even the most silent fart can damage the keyboard, let alone a slightly harded push. So, if your hands are heavy, better look for something more sturdy (e.g. a limited edition keyboard made of dry shit, that can be bought in Nigeria).

But wait! There are even more cons to this product ( ͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °).

It has problems with non-english characters, and some apps don’t work with it (Enter doesn’t send the message. Some apps don’t support using your tablet horizontally, making the keyboard hard to use)

But enough about the keyboard. Let’s talk a bit about the case itself. Well, it came dirty ( ͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °) I bought it online, and the piece of paper that the case is wrapped in has a big rectangular hole it it, so you can touch it before buying. Fortunately it wasn’t covered in shit, cuz I’ve heard that some people’s cases came all brown and stinky.

It was also supposed to have a scriber included, but my seemed to vanish somehow ( ͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °) They probably add one to every second case in the magazines, for cutting costs probably ( ͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °)

Let’s cover pros, maybe?

Besides the fact that it works, there are none ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Well, maybe the low price of ~5 dollars is a pro to someone.

You can’t regulate the angle in which you place the case, and the micro USB cable is flying everywhere and placed in such spot, that you might not even be able to plug it into your tablet at all ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).

SCORE:

Appearance: 4/10 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Sturdiness: 3/10 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) So far I haven’t broken it yet, but I’m still scared to put this etui into my backpack.

Functionality: 7/10 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  When it comes to 7 inch tablets, there is not much choice, gotta take what you’ve got ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Comfort: A solid 2/10 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Writing on this thing is absolutely tragical.

Price: 8/10 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) A cheap case for poor people like me ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

OVERALL: 5/10 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I don’t recommend ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) If you just want to write from time to time, and/or you don’t have money (cuz you’ve spend everything on pot), this is a nice thing to have. But if you’re more serious about writing on a tablet, and you’ve got more money, invest in something better.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I’m retarded ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

 

Samsung Galaxy Tab A 7.0 (2016) – A Weird Review

Some time, I wanted to get myself a Nintendo handheld, but I realised that the games for 3DS are expensive as fuck and I won’t be able to watch black people on YouTube on uch a console.

So I decided to buy a so called tablet ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Samsung Galaxy Tab A 7.0 (2016) is the smallest tablet from our Korean friends at Samsung, but it will easily run every app ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) In fact, I wrote this review on this very tablet (well, not this one in particular, but my Polish version of this review ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) )

 

 

tablet wow

The set contains these things:

  • One tablet ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
  • A power adapter with a USB cable ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  I wanted to perform a Steve Jobs’ test on the power adapter, but it failed, sadly :/ (Steve Jobs’ is supposed to check power adapter’s efficiency. You plug the power adapter into the plug and stick the cable deep into your anus. If you can smell burned ass, the test was succesful.)
  • A beautiful box ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) If somebody, like me, likes to collect boxes, they won’t be dissapointed with the cardboard’s quality ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
  • Some stupid manuals which I didn’t even read ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I ate them right away ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

My tablet is snow-white, but don’t worry, it’s not that gay as you might think ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) There is also a black (afro-american) version.

Well what can I say, the tablet is very good, every game will run on it, the Internet is as fast as Nyan Cat flying through the universe, and YouTube provides excellent watching experience, in comparison to my phone, cuz it’s… well, bigger ._.

Oh, and if you see anywhere on the internet (like YT) that the specs are weak and the resolution is low, or that the battery is not “big” enough, don’t listen to those IDIOTS who say that, because they don’t know shit. Some guy even said that “We have 4K in smartphones, yet Samsung releases a tablet with 720p.”

First, 4K in smartphones is a marketing trick, because you’d have to use a microscope to see all those pixels. Also, the lower the resolution is, the better overall performance gets, + smaller screen = less energy consumption.

In other words, if Samsung have put a better screen and better components into Tab A, the overall performance would drop. Sounds like a paradox, but this is how it works.

Oookayy, enough of the technological explanations, let’s now move on to the stink test ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Fortunately, the tablet doesn’t stink like shit, so if you’re scared of stink then you don’t have to worry.

Oh, and you have that funky rubber-like cover at the back of the tablet. Feels funny touching it, but provides a solid grip ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

SCORE:

Prettiness: 10/10 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) What do you want me to say, tablet is a tablet.

Performance: 10/10 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Everything works just fine ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) unlike your disfunctional family ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Battery: 10/10 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Lasts longer than an iPad, that’s for sure ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Comfort: 7/10 ._. there are a couple of things that they could have improved, like the lock button which works funky. You can only charge it with a samsung charger (at least I think so), and you can’t set apps to install on your SD card by default. You have to move them each time. But these are minor things, really.

Cost: 8/10 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I’m poor :0

OVERALL: 9+/10 ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I approve of this tablet ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 2016 Mega Hit ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) My choice for the Low-Budget Tablet of the Year ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

There are also two tablet accesories that I want to review separately some time in the future ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I bought them to enhance the experience I have with the tablet ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) See ya! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)