Jake’s Fecal Adventure

Jake finished his dinner.

„Thanks honey, that chicken was great.” He said.

„But honey… that wasn’t chicken…” His wife claimed.

„Huh?”

„We’ve been having a lot of money problems lately.”

„I know, so?”

„We can’t afford a chicken, hon.”

„What did I eat then?”

„I cooked a road-killed skunk that I found on the way to the church.”

Jake gulped. He slowly got up from the chair and said in a shaky voice:

„So you mean that I ate a skunk?? That was killed by some truck on the road?”

„Yeah, but it’s fresh! It must have been killed no longer than three days ago.”

Jake tried to smile, but he couldn’t take this anymore.

„GOTTA GO FAST!!” he shouted and ran to the toilet, trampling through his wife, who fell on the floor and died.

Jake pulled down his pants and quickly sat on the toilet, just when the shit started leaking out.

„LEAVE MY BODY, SATAN!” he screamed, as the thick, brown shit leaked from his asshole down into the toilet.

Suddenly, he farted so hard that the toilet cracked. He had to hold onto it with his hands, otherwise he would go flying to the space.

When he thought it was over, he felt sudden qukes, coming out of his ass. He grabbed the toilet again and it was time for round two.

He shat so much that the shit would soon flood his house, so he pressed down the button to keep the water flowing. But because of this, he was only holding the toilet with his one hand, so when another nuclear fart came, it almost tore off his arm.

After ten hours of constant shit-flow and farting, Jake’s ass was as loose as a chewed up gummy bear. The stink was unbearable and locals said that someone in the village shat so much that their toilets exploded with a shitty geyser, and they wanted to kill that someone.

Jake escaped the village before anyone found out about his shitting, and travelled to Africa to find the ancient treasure of King Arthur. After twenty-five years of excavations, he found it. But it turned out to be a shit fossil that Jesus took when he was on his trip to the Democratic Republic of Kongo. He threw it away and hung himself.

Then some random black guy found it and ate it and became a GOD. He turned everyone in the world black, and made it so that everyone is immortal. After just five months, there were 800 billion people in the world, and they were all black. Umm, I don’t know why I’m even writing this.

THE END

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Black Guy Tyrone Eats A Thick, Brown Substance That Came Out Of His Big, Black Hole.

Tyrone went to the kitchen and checked if there’s anything delicious in the fridge.

“Hmm, there are two eggs, one slice of cheese, a bottle of ketchup and some avian feces leftovers from yesterday’s dinner.” He noticed and checked on the freezer, “Nothing inside here…”

He got really hungry and had to eat FAST. Otherwise he could DIE. He didn’t want to be like all those mainstream black boys, dying from starvation everyday somewhere in Africa (wherever it was), so he decided that he’s gonna eat anything he’ll find in his house.

However, when he tried to swallow his TV he almost broke his jaw.

“Shit, I gotta eat something softer and smaller than that…” he said to himself, “Wait…. ‘shit’… I know!”

He pulled down his pants, crouched down and a literal black hole appeared in front of him. He reached into it and grabbed some chocolate ice cream.

“Thank you black hole, you never disappoint me.” He said.

“No problem dawg.” The black hole replied, “You know I’m always there for you, my nigga.”

And then the hole disappeared. Tyrone got up and pulled up his pants, and then he ate the ice cream.

THE END

Didn’t expect that, huh?

Delicious, But Suspicious Food From Burger King

Forgive me for being absent for so long, but I have an excuse: I was too lazy ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) The blog is absolutely not abandoned, I just became so lazy that I can barely do anything.

Chris was walking around the mall. He got hungry and went to Burger King. The cashier welcomed him.

“Good morning sir, may I take your order?” she asked.

“Well, I would go for that burger for 5 american dollars.”

“Do you want an extra cheese?”

“How much is that?”

“50 cents.”

“No, thank you.”

“What about extra bacon?”

“How much is that?”

“Also 50 cents.”

“Nah, thank you.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“But are you CERTAINLY sure?”

“Yes, I said I am.”

“I don’t think you understand, sir.”

“What is there to understand?”

“If you don’t take any extras, it might end badly for you.”

“Are you threatening me?”

“I’m just sayin.”

“Will you give me that burger already?”

“… yeah.”

The cashier lady went to the place where people at the kitchen drop burgers and stuff and it slides down, ready to take. She grabbed something terrible and gave it to Chris.”

“Here. Bon apetit.” she said.

“Wait a second, what is this?”

“This is what you’ve ordered, sir: a big, stinky SHIT.”

“Scuse me?”

“You heard me.”

“I didn’t order that!”

“Oops, should’ve taken an extra.”

“I can barely stop myelf from punching you in the fucking face.”

“Calm down, or else I’ll call the security.”

“But I won’t leave until I get what I paid for!”

“And what if I tell you, that if you don’t get the fuck out of here IMMEDIATELY, I will have to destroy you, sir?”

“Come on!”

Then the cashier used magic of destruction to destroy Chris, but he dodged it and instead of him, half of the shopping mall got destroyed. Seeing that, Chris summoned John Cena to help him. He charged at the cashier, and though she did hear his mighty roar, she couldn’t see him, because nobody can see John Cena. He slammed her against the ground, causing an earthquake, that had the force of 500 Richters (or something like that, idfk). The earthquake resulted in an ANIHILATION of the entire human species, all animals, all plants, all mushrooms, and if there’s anything else besides that then that also got destroyed, I’m sorry but I suck at biology.

Then it turned out that Chris survived, using his teleportation magic. He teleported himself to the world of Pokemon, where he spent most of his life enslaving exotic creatures, keeping them inside small ball-prisons, and forcing them to fight each other for his enjoyment and for money.

 

THE END

I shall add that I like Burger King, I just made a silly story. Oh, and by the way, I don’t what to say, I wrote “and by the way…” and I didn’t know what to add after that, so, rip.

 

Bike Ride

“Hey, junior, let’s go on a bike ride.” Dad said to Tyrone.

“Okay dad, just don’t make it like the last time, ok?” Tyrone replied.

“Don’t worry, let’s go.”

After a while, they were outside their house, and they had bikes ready to go.

“Are you sitting comfy, Tyrone?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Just askin’.”

“Dad, I said I don’t want it to be like the other time.”

“It’s alright, don’t worry. You go first.”

Tyrone pushed the pedals, and as he went through the gateway, the gateway turned into a portal to another dimension, and it sucked Tyrone inside, just to shit him out in a world full of gigantic dinosaurs, flying krakens and furry creatures of massive size and posture.

Tyrone got scared and started riding straight forward in amok, avoiding obstacles such as giant brontosaurs and their shits. Suddenly, a herd of T-rexes jumped out of the woods nearby and ate brontosaurs. Then they started chasing Tyrone. Tyrone tried to escape, farting loudly, gradually filling his pants with dense shit.

Just when he thought it was over for him, a meteor fell from the sky, destroying the entire planet, launching Tyrone far away into space. Tyrone spent two months in space, trying to find a way back home, and he finally found a portal. He went through it and teleported back into his living room.

“Oh, Tyrone, what’s up?” his dad said, “Where’s your bike?”

Then Tyrone attacked his dad with a series of fast, consecutive blows with a magic spear, but his dad performed a backflip, dodging Tyrone’s attacks. Tyrone’s dad summoned a portal to hell, and devils started coming out of it, to destroy and eat Tytone. However, Tyrone sucked the devils, the portal, his dad, and the entire district into his asshole. Then, he aimed his ass up to the sky and fired its contents into space.

“Finally, lol.” Tyrone said.

The whole incident was spotted by some retard, who approached Tyrone.

“Excuse me, but don’t you think maybe that you should make up for the damage you have caused here?” he asked.

“Uhh, excuse me, but don’t you think that you’re too retarded to ask me that?”

“Yes, that’s correct.”

And then Tyrone and the retard transformed into asians and travelled to China to eat some dogs.

THE END

I hope you’ve enjoyed it fags ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Easter Bunny

Happy Easter! 

Timmy and his disfunctional family were preparing to go to grandma’s house to celebrate Easter together.

“Timmy you faggot, clean your asshole before we go.” his mom said, “We don’t want it to be like last year, when you farted so hard that we had to wash walls from your shit for entire week.”

“No problem mom!” said Timmy and went to the bathroom to clean his ass.

“Timmy you faggot, grab that bag of sweets we’ve prepared for grandma! It’s in the kitchen.” his dad said.

TImmy went to the kitchen, grabbed the bag and took a closer look at it. Suddenly, a giant, mutated bunny jumped out of the bag. He jumped on Timmy’s dad, completely crushing him, and then, he farted very hard and blew Timmy’s mom and sister off through the window.

“Timmy, I’m the easter bunny.” the bunny said, “I arrived here to warn you about a great danger, threatening your family.”

“Jesus Christ, what is that danger??” Timmy asked.

Your dad will be crushed, and your sister and mom will be blown off the window with a strong fart.”

“But it’s you who’s done it, you retarded rabbit.”

“Oh, yeah ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)”

“Hey, maybe instead of going to my grandma, you can take me somewhere?”

“Gr8 idea, where do you want to go?”

“Let’s go to ISIS base and destroy it, ok?”

“Naturally, but you have to pay the price of 25 american dollars for me to take you there.”

“Ok, here.” Timmy said and took some money out of his pocket, “… Do you have any pockets?”

“Put them into my ass, I can shart them out later.”

“Ok, sounds fantastic.”

Timmy inserted the banknotes into the bunny’s asshole and jumped on it. Then the bunny jumped and landed in the ISIS base. Unfortunately, none of them could have predicted that gravity will kill them both, so Timmy, as well as easter bunny, have died.

Luckily, the bunny fell down with such a huge speed that the impact has destroyed everything around, so ISIS was no more. Unfortunately, by “everything around” I mean everything in a 500 trillion miles radius, so the entire galaxy was destroyed, what a shame.

THE END

Oh, and here’s a picture of a soup we tend to eat for Easter in Poland:

It’s a Polish sour rye soup, often called “white borscht”. We eat it with sausage and hard-boiled eggs.

And you can’t even imagine the shitting that occures five minutes after eating it ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Jk lol it’s gr8.

A Small, Yet Very Crappy Adventure Of George

George went to the school and saw his friend, Norbert.

“Hello Norbert.” George said.

“Hi.” Norbert replied, “Did you bring a dog shit as they told?”

“What?”

“Well, our IT teacher said lately, that we were supposed to bring a dog shit for today’s classes.”

“Lol??! I don’t remember her saying that!”

“Shouldn’t have slept during classes then.”

“What am I gonna do now?”

“I will lend you a plastic box and you will crap inside it. Then you can say it’s a dog shit.”

“Nah man, she’s gonna find out. Dog shits are small.”

“Hmm… I know, shit into the box, cut a small piece of the shit and form it to have a shape of dog shit.”

“Alright, sounds like a plan.”

And then George pulled down his pants and shoot a shit from his ass straight into the box.

“You retard, who told you to do this in the middle of the hall?” Norbert flinched.

“Lol, I haven’t thought about it.”

“Well it’s not the first time you haven’t thought.”

Norbert went upstairs, while George cut a small piece of shit and threw the rest on the floor. Then he caught up with Norbert. A moment later, their group entered the classroom.

“Alright my dears, take out your dog shits.” The teacher said, “Okay, now smear it into the keyboards of your computers.”

“Aaand what if someone brought their laptop and they don’t want to cover it all in crap?” asked Peter.

“Then they have a problem.” The teacher replied.

“And why are we even doing this in the first place?” asked Jason.

“To increase the computer’s performance.” The teacher replied, “And later you can lick off the shit from the keyboards and you won’t have to eat dinner today.”

“Yuck!” Jason flinched, “That’s disgusting!”

“If you have a problem Mr. Jason, I suggest you to get the fuck out of here, before I fill you with lead.”

Then George asked Norbert:

“Hey, what if only a dog’s shit increases performance, and human shit doesn’t?”

“Are you kidding?” Norbert asked, “It’s not possible to increase a computer’s performance by smearing ANY shit into a keyboard. We’re only doing this to get good grades. You can see obviously that the teacher is out of her mind.”

George calmed down a bit and smeared his crap into the keyboard. Then, the computer exploded and damaged everyone in the classroom.

“Dafuq happened?!” the teacher shouted, “George! Did you use human shit?!”

“Umm, yeah, but this would’ve happened with dog shit as well! It’s a short circuit!”

“ARE you STUPID?!” the teacher got up from the floor and wiped the dust off of herself, “Human shit leads to short circuit only! Look!”

The teacher started to do some operations on a computer with its keyboard all covered in dog crap.

“Can you see the lighting speed?! It’s thanks to the dog shit!” said the teacher. Her computer was indeed lighting fast thanks to the shit.

“Your stupid human shit has led to an explosion of a computer! You’re gonna pay for that, you piece of shit!”

And then George took out a giant hot-dog from his pocket and swoop everything around him off the surface of planet Earth.

THE END

Topkek

David starts a campaign on Kickstarter

I just wanted to say that there are lots of black people in Africa. Now start reading.

David was lying on a couch and playing some SHITTY game on his smartphone.

“Dafuq is happening in this stupid game??!” he screamed, “I have to buy a premium version of the game to progress?! What a SHIT!”

And then he threw the phone at a wall, but it bounced off and hit him in the face (his walls were made of rubber).

“This is bullshit, there are no good RPG games for Android devices.” he thought, “I think I would make a better game than this crap…”

And then he came up with a GR8 idea. He’s gonna make a perfect RPG game, full of adventures, beautiful places, interesting characters and absolutely free!

He entered Kickstarter, a webpage for funding projects. He created a topic titles “A cool RPG game”.

Hi there!

I want to make an RPG game for Android devices. iOS is SHIT, so iPhone users won’t get SHIT from me.

My game will be called AMAZING ADVENTURE. In AMAZING ADVENTURE, there will be:

– an enormous, open world of Niggerlandia, based on classics of fantasy genre

– about 6000 non-player characters, each with their unique story and character

– a thousand quests, for approximately 1000 hours of gameplay (and this is just the main questline!)

– ten thousand side quests (every one is fresh, unrepeatable, with no quests like “Kill 20 wolves” 

– 20 (twenty) classes

– 300 unique skills and spells and 600 passive abilities for each class

– 40 (forty) main bosses, including Master of Darkness and Black Magic, Nignogus Maximus (a big, bad sorcerer from a land called Faggotland, who killed your family and dog in your home village), and 100 side bosses. Every boss has their unique combat style, and all of them require a strategy to beat them

– 200 (two hundred!!!) kinds of distance weapons and 400 (FOUR HUNDRED) kinds of melee weapons. Every kind has dozens of weapons (for example, there are 60 glaves in the game, and glaves are just one weapon type!), they look unique and neither of them feels the same when fighting

– 80 (EIGHTY, YOU HEAR ME!??!??!?) companions, that can join you in your adventure across Niggerlandia in a group of five people. With each of them, you can start ROMANTIC INTERACTIONS, I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW GOOD THIS GAME IS GONNA BE!!!! (neither yours or your comapnion’s gender will not affect the possibility to romance, so you can romance with all of them, who cares!)

– an option to build your own house in thirty different locations (in a jungle, in a forest full of mushrooms, in a cave, on a peak of a snowy mountain, up a mountain giant’s anus etc.), using thousands of customization options, furniture etc.

– an option to make a family (but don’t worry! You don’t have to limit yourself to just one partner, otherwise you wouldn’t discover the whole game! You can marry EVERY single one of those 80 companions at the same time! Well, fuck me, I can give you TEN more companions, making 90 partners in total! Great!)

– lots of social groups, living in Niggerlandia (including strong and fast Nigorians, maniacs of arcane knowledge – whitemarians, crazed gang members – niggangsters, and much more)

– non-player characters’ reactions to your gender, appearance and skin color (each of those six thousand NPCs will have over 100 000 possible voice-lines about your look. That said, whiterians will judge you harsher if you’re a Blackus/Arabixus, and Faggoters will have alternative dialogues if you’re playing as a male character and you’re wearing tight pants)

– and, later in the game, a possibility to travel across time and space! You can visit different realms and planets, which in total is about thirty worlds as big as Niggerlandia, each with different people, culture, religion, sex preference, bosses, quests, companions, classes, weapons and everything!

And the best part is that the game will be TOTALLY FREE!

However, I can’t make this game without financial support!

Support the project now! If you donate at least 5 dollars, you will get a copy of AMAZING ADVENTURE before it launches, as well as a baseball cap with the game’s logo, a VHS cassette with an interview with the game’s creator (me), a set of gummy dicks (different flavours), and a blanket with a big picture of my asshole.

Goal – 20 million dollars

David pressed the Create Topic button and relaxed in his chair. After all, he was such a great game designer! He should have started a campaign on Kickstarter long time ago, he was SO good!

But then, it hit him that he din’t know how to program for SHIT, he couldn’t draw, compose, he couldn’t EVEN write well.

“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!” he screamed and was about to delete the campaign, when he saw that he had already gathered 20 billion dollars, which was like 100 000% of the goal.

Everyone in the world donated at least a dollar, so that David could make this game.

“Hmm, I think I know what I should do now.” he said to himself.

He went upstairs, took a rope, and – no, he didn’t kill himself – took it to his backyard. He had a rocket waiting for him there. He attached one end of the rope to the rocket, and the other end to his ass. He pressed a button and it launched him to a different realm, full of ninja turtles. EVERYONE was a ninja turtle in that one. Kek.

THE END

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)