A Truly Satanic Adventure of Hanzel and Gretel

Truly Satanic, indeed.

This is the first story that I upload not right away, but have it planned for the next day, instead. So you know, I’m writing it on 30th and it will post itself on 31st.

Magic ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


It was a late afternoon in Los Angeles. Hanzel and Gretel were sitting in a room in their house, playing with grandpa’s pocket knife. Then Hanzel realized that it was Halloween that day.

”JESUS CHRIST!”, he screamed, ”It’s Halloween today!”

”OMG!”, Gretel screamed, ”We must ask grandma if she will let us leave tonight!”

Then their grandma appeared at the door.

”Forget about it, little shits!”, she said, ”You will stay with me inside. I’ll sprinkle holy water on the door, so no demons will come to haunt us.

”But grandmaaaaa!!”, Gretel yelled, ”It’s just for fun!”

”That’s right!” Hanzel added.

”I won’t let you participate in the dark festival of Satan!” Grandma said, ”This Halloween is just to turn kids into little satanists, and make them join the cult of the king of devils, Satan!

”Granny, are you fucking kidding me?” Hanzel asked, ”Kids don’t care about any stupid satanic cult!”

”Kids just want to dress up as monsters, have fun, and collect candies!” Gretel stated.

Grandma shook her head, but she agreed in the end.

”Alright…” she said, ”You can go. But BEHAVE!”

”Hurray!” children got happy and hugged their grandma.

They went to their room and took their costumes out of their wardrobe. Hanzel dressed up as a devil, and Gretel dressed up as a vampire.

They waited half an hour until it gets dark and they left their house.

”I thought she wasn’t gonna let us out, that old cunt.” Hanzel spitted on the floor.

”I know right, lord Satan wouldn’t be pleased…” Gretel nodded.

”We have to get so many things done tonight… Drain souls out of two people and sacrifice them to the dark Lord, and cover ourselves with dog shit.”

”Don’t forget about hunting down and eating a black cat on a graveyard, and recruiting someone to join Satan.

”Yeah… the requirements get higher each year…”

”True, but what other choice we have? You don’t want us to get kicked out from Satanic Church, right?”

”Of course not. Ok, come over here.”

They approached some house and knocked the door.

A young lady and her husband opened and looked at them.

”Oh, look honey what cute little kids have visited to us!” the lady said.

”I bet they want some candies? Wait a moment, I’ll bring some!” the guy said.

”Noo, there is no need, really.” Hanzel said, ”Just offer your souls to Satan and it’ll be okay.”

”Hahaha! Such funnny kids!” The lady laughed.

”I think I’ll give them more candies! Hahaha!” her husband laughed.

Then Gretel opened her mouth and sucked their souls inside.

”Dafuq, what happened?” the lady felt weird.

”What have you done to us?” the guys asked.

”Oh, nothing.” Gretel replied, ”I only drained your souls.”


”They’re still normal, but when me and my brother sacrifice them to Satan, you won’t go to heaven after death, but straight into Satan’s stomach, who will eat you, to get stronger for the destruction of humanity.”

”Oh, coo. But seriously, what did you do?”

”I farted on you.”

”Oh, hahaha! Here, have these candies, and have fun scaring more people!”

The lady gave them some delicious, strawberry mousse candies, covered in chocolate. Then they said goodbye to Hanzel and Gretel and the kids went their way.

Gretel put out Satan’s picture from her pocket and farted on it. This way she sacrificed the souls she drained earlier.

”Okay, so we’re done with draining and sacrificing souls.” Hanzel said, ”Let’s go and cover ourselves with dog shit now.”

”Okay, and later we can go recruit someone to the black church.

They found a few dog shits lying on grass and smeared them into themselves.

Then some kids approached them. They were wearing various monster costumes, like skeletons, zombie etc.

”WTF, look at these idiots!” some kid shouted, ”They’re covering themselves with dog shit!”

”HAHAHAHA!” the kids laughed.

Then Hanzel cackled.

”You really have never seen the shit-smearing ritual?” he laughed, ”Look at this!”

Hanzel put his hand to the front. Then, a small shitball started forming in his hand and increased its size. After a while, Hanzel shot the shit and it splattered on a nearby building’s wall, leaving a big, brown shit stain.

”Wooww!” Kids dropped their jaws, ”Such power!”

”How can I learn this?”

”Is this connected to your shit-smearing ritual?”

Hanzel started explaining.

”That was a basic, first level shit spell, Shit Bolt.” He said, ”The magic of shit can only be used during Halloween, but first, you have to activate it by smearing dog shit into you.”

”OMG!” the kids were impressed.

”So it’s Halloweed that turns shit into such power?” some kid asked.

”No.” Hanzel replied, ”The shit magic originates from Satan. Shit is, next to fire and darkness, one of three main forces of Hell, and Halloween is the night of Lord Satan. Only Satan’s servants may acces shit magic, and only on Halloween.”

”Oh shit!” The kids screamed in excitation.

”But how to become a Satan’s servant?”

”Exactly! I want to try out the shit magic tonight!”

Gretel explained:

”You must go to a member of Satan’s Church, with their rank being at least Priest. He will introduce you into the secrets of Hell and perform a Dark Mass for initiates. During the mass, you will have to make an oath to Satan. After that, you will be official recruits of Satan’s Church, and after death you will become devils under Satan’s duty.”


”Where can we find a Satan’s Priest??!”

”From what I know, right now, there should be an annual mass in honor of Satan taking place right now, in a forest in the East of Los Angeles. If you hurry, you might get there before everyone disbands.”

The kids ran to the forest happily.

”Well, we’ve just recruited like 5 people.” Hanzel noticed and got happy.

”To be honest, I was doubting we’d be able to recruit even one person.” Gretel admitted, ”Well, now only thing that’s left is to hunt for a black cat and eat it on a graveyard, and then we can go back.”

Then, from the bushes nearby, a black cat jumped out.

”LOL, a black cat!” Hanzel yelled.

”Grab it!” Hanzel screamed and they both ran to catch the cat.

Hanzel and Gretel were casting Shit Bolts at the cat, but the cat was too agile, and it dodged every shit easily. Hanzel got mad and used a second level shit spell – Shit Ball. It was a bigger version of Shit Bolt spell, which explodes on impact, covering the area around with shit.

The Shit Ball landed next to the cat, and the explosion launched the cat high up in the air.

”Oh no! Catch it before it escapes!” Hanzel shouted.

Gretel used a third level shit spell – Shit Geyser. A huge shit geyser shoot out from the ground, which launched Gretel in the air. She was about to catch the cat, when she got shot in the arm by someone.

”AHARGharGHARGhARGhAGRhAGRhARHgAHRG!!!!!!!!!” Gretel howled in a devilish voice and fell on her face. The black cat ran away.

”Who’s there?! Show yourself!” Hanzel yelled.

Then he saw a person, coming out from the shadows.

”It’s YOU??!”

In the light of a lamppost, Hanzel’s and Gretel’s grandma appeared.

”I knew you were satanists.” Grandma said, while reloading her revolver, ”I only let you leave our house, so that I could find my old revolver in secret.”


”I used to be a demon hunter 50 years ago. These bullets are made of silver, and blessed by the Pope himself.”

”So what that they’re made of silver?”

”Look at Gretel.”

Hanzel looked at Gretel. Or, at what was left of her, which was a pile of ash.

”NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” Hanzel howled, and activated his devil form. He grew horns and a tail, and shit started leaking uncontrollably from his anus.


”Die, beast!”

Grandma shot a bullet at Hanzel’s snout, but he summoned a Shit Wall, a high-level shit spell, reserved only for devils and the most deserving servants of Satan.

The bullet got stuck in the shit wall, and Hanzel jumped on grandma, and was about to bite off her head, but he got shot in the head off a shotgun and died, and turned into ash.

”Oh, it’s you!” grandma smiled.

”Yes, it’s me.” grandpa said, ”I sensed the presence of Satanic power around.”

”Hey, let’s go destroy every satanist in Los Angeles, okay?”

”Okay, yolo!”

Then grandma and grandpa rushed into the forest, in the East of Los Angeles, and destroyed everyone. Even those kids, who came there earlier and were already smearing shit into themselves.

Lord Satan had no more power in Los Angeles. Since then, everyone who was practicing shit magic, was by force thrown into a rocket and sent for a one-way journey into space.



Author: kream45

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